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Planning, preparation, pressure: a lot of things go into a marriage proposal. Some people opt for the extravagant; others, something simple and sweet. No matter big or small the production, the main thing is that both partners feel loved, appreciated, and connected to each other — and, of course, excited to get married. Unfortunately, one woman on Reddit got exactly none of those things from her fiancé when he proposed, and it’s making her question everything.
Now, we know how some people might read into that. It’s easy to assume that the woman (aka our OP, Reddit-speak for original poster) had unrealistic expectations and might be blaming her fiancé for not being able to live up to them. Some commenters on Reddit appeared to come in with exactly that skeptical approach. But once OP gets into the context of the story, it becomes clear that this may not have been the case. If anything, OP has given her fiancé more understanding than he might deserve… but we’ll reserve judgment until you hear the whole story.
OP, who’s 28, has been with her 27-year-old fiancé for eight years and describes their relationship as “great” and “stable.” But the intense and “constant disappointment” that lingers from the proposal last year has her wondering how she can move forward, and whether she even wants to. She came to the relationship advice subreddit for advice, and Redditors had a lot to give. Here’s OP’s story and what Reddit thinks she should do now.
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A Would-Be Romantic Camping Trip
The couple went on a camping trip last year and OP was sure her now-fiancé was going to propose. But when they got to the last day without it happening, she started to get worried. “That evening he only wanted to go fishing,” she writes, “so I sat in my kayak probably 7ft away and cried to myself for over an hour.” She was convinced that the proposal wasn’t going to happen now, “since he didn’t propose at any beautiful hiking view points or sunsets through the week and we were leaving in the morning.”
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The “Proposal”
When the couple brought in their kayaks, “he went to the truck, came back and handed me a ring box saying ‘this should make you happy.’” That’s it, that’s all.”
OUCH. It’s not the end of the world, OP writes, but “I didn’t receive a this is why I love you speech… he never even got down on one knee.” In edits, OP clarified that “I never wanted a grand gesture or a Hollywood proposal but rather a few words of affirmation and proof that I mean enough to him that marriage is obviously what he wanted.” She states that she hadn’t “whined” about getting proposed to on the trip or bring it up at all, and that the trip was already an emotional one for her.
“I cried the last night as he encouraged me to take a job which requires being away from him,” she writes, “and after finding a ring prior to the trip but not receiving it before our trip was over I was quite devastated. Not my proudest moment but I cried to myself, not to him and nor was I obviously upset for the HOURS spent fishing (an activity that I hate) but rather shed some tears while tossing a line on my own for a while.”
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A Second Chance
OP booked the same campsite this year, on the same day that her fiancé “proposed.” She “hinted over and over again that he could make it up to me,” but her fiancé didn’t. Not only that — he “did not even acknowledge the anniversary of our engagement.”
It sounds like this has been a recurring issue for the couple as well. “We have spoke at length about my disappointment from a lack of romance here and in other aspects of our relationship,” OP says.
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“I Can’t Move Forward”
OP and her fiancé have a date set for next summer, but “I can’t move forward from this,” she writes. “I cry when friends get beautiful engagements, I cry watching romcoms. I feel nothing but disappointment that I will never experience the gesture of love I dreamed about my whole life.”
The feelings haunt her. “Any time we have a disagreement or I feel unwanted by him I am just reminded of the disappointment I feel in regards to the proposal,” she writes. “I don’t even enjoy looking at my beautiful ring because it doesn’t bring me a happy memory.” The disappointment “is clouding how I feel about him, even though he has never treated me poorly and is my best friend.”
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Now What?
OP states that she doesn’t want to “ruin” the relationship over this issue, “but I don’t know how to move on. He said he can’t change how things happened, which is true but it’s been over a year and I can’t seem to move past my disappointment.”
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What Does Reddit Think?
The top comment on OP’s post probably sums up Reddit’s opinion the best: “When I read your title, I rolled my eyes. But ‘This should make you happy’?? That is the single most shitty proposal I’ve ever heard of,” wrote the Redditor, whose comment racked up 11K upvotes. “It implies that he’s doing you a fucking favor. I wouldn’t be able to get past that, either. You need to talk to him and get to the bottom of it. Does he not want to marry you?”
Another commenter also noted how non-genuine the proposal seemed. “It’s a shut up ring,” they wrote. “I wouldn’t accept it.” Others agreed, with one commenter saying, “It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry her but knew after 8 years she was getting upset and likely to leave.” They added, “girl don’t marry him.”
“‘This should make you happy’ is not a proposal at all,” another Redditor said bluntly.
Other commenters said that, at the very least, the couple should try therapy. “It’s time that you stop hinting at what you want and you need to stop dancing around his feelings because he certainly didn’t care about yours with that lame-ass proposal,” one person wrote. Couples therapy “will give you the space and tools to have this discussion in the open and say what you need to say without worrying about how he will react.”
More tough love came from another commenter. “The proposal was awful because you both demonstrated that you can’t communicate,” they wrote, pointing out that OP cried by herself instead of talking to her fiancé, while he sat there “awkwardly ignoring you hoping you’ll stop,” then handed her a ring with a passive aggressive comment. “Now a year later you think it will be fixed with a do-over, meanwhile he wants to sweep it under the rug,” they said. “This isn’t do-over territory. You two act like you barely like each other. Go to premarital counseling to learn how to talk to each other. You should consider individual counseling to learn how to express yourself.”
It sounds like OP is listening to the feedback and doing some deep reflection. “At this time for my own mental health,” she writes, “I’m going to have to take a step back and think about what I really want for my future.” Best of luck, OP.
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