If you don’t heal trauma in yourself, you will carry it into every relationship. Listen to this episode to learn how to begin to heal. — How do you heal trauma in yourself and in your relationship? Tarah and E.J. Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation in Tucson, Arizona, help couples build stronger, healthier connections through […]

If you don’t heal trauma in yourself, you will carry it into every relationship. Listen to this episode to learn how to begin to heal.

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How do you heal trauma in yourself and in your relationship? Tarah and E.J. Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation in Tucson, Arizona, help couples build stronger, healthier connections through therapy and online programs. They co-host the Relationship Renovation Podcast and a YouTube channel, sharing actionable tools rooted in intentional communication and empathy to support couples worldwide.  

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

• Subtle signs that past trauma is influencing someone’s current relationship, even if they feel they’ve ‘moved on’ from it
• How to define emotional safety in a relationship, and why is it the foundation for lasting connection?
• A few key tools from your Relationship Renovation Model that couples can use to navigate trauma-related triggers
• The very first mindset shift to start healing

EP 678: Tarah and E.J. Kerwin – How to Heal Trauma in Yourself and Your Relationship

What are some subtle signs that past trauma is influencing someone’s current relationship, even if they feel they’ve ‘moved on’ from it?

Tarah: For me, it’s an internal sign of walking on eggshells. I don’t trust what’s happening and go into caretaking mode. 

EJ: We hear a lot about trauma today. We’ve all suffered a level of trauma in our lives. It’s really about your nervous system, getting triggered and then dysregulated. It could be a raised voice. When someone’s breath becomes more shallow and it says something got triggered.

You’ve shared that you were once a serial monogamist who struggled to maintain long-term relationships. What was the turning point that helped you break those old patterns?

Tarah: I’ve experienced so much trauma with my twin sister in our family of origin. I was a serial monogamist and thought I was doing great. When I got into a relationship with EJ and had twins right away, I was angry and resentful towards my husband even though I loved him. I said “When I say burnt toast, that’s our code word that means I’m not good for me, you or our kids and need a time out”. I would take some time to calm myself. I would listen to the RAIN technique from Tara Birch’s podcast. It helped me not intensify and re-traumatize. I started to have compassion for how I was so resilient as a little girl. I began to feel all of my feelings.

Can you walk us through a few key tools from your Relationship Renovation Model that couples can use to navigate trauma-related triggers?

EJ: If you look at the trigger, which is just stimulus, and then look at your reaction, you’ve tapped into deep sorrow and sadness. If one person gets triggered, the other person gets triggered and activated. 

Tarah: When a trigger hits, go through your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and ask yourself what does this remind me of? Negative core beliefs are developed early on. You are safe now. Your adult voice comes in to guide you when you’re triggered. Define a safe space for yourself. Go there internally when triggered. That helps you regulate your nervous system.

For individuals or couples who feel stuck in unhealthy cycles, what’s the very first mindset shift they need to make to start healing?

EJ: Look internally. Something is triggering big feelings. What is going on inside? Shift to hold up a mirror to what’s inside instead of blaming the outside. What are you feeling? Bore down deeper and deeper.

Tarah: Even though we had harsh external circumstances, I always loved love. I felt light and love around me, even though I shouldn’t be alive. I think “who is my heart?” instead of listening to my thoughts. I remember my heart and be a source of love and light for others.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Tarah: Get to know yourself and have respect and boundaries for what you’re needing. Have your invisible shit shield that protects you from their stuff so it doesn’t get on you. 

EJ: You want to have your hand on the control of your boundaries, what you will and won’t tolerate. You’ll see if they feel safe and honest. You’re going to be able to modulate whether it feels safe to you. Be nuanced and have boundaries. You’ll meet someone who has attunement and is aware of you and be responsive.

Watch this episode on Youtube

Connect With Tarah and EJ

• Website and free quiz https://relationshiprenovation.com/relationship-renovation-at-home/ 
• Youtube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfb8I3evBi7aZcVnmvN_yPw 
• FB https://www.facebook.com/relationshiprenovationcounseling 
• IG https://www.instagram.com/relationship_renovation/
• TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@relationshiprenovation

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