If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating. — Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and […]

If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating.

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Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and more. Dr. Morley also serves on the founding board of the UCAN Foundation and provides couples therapy in the Boston area. We’re talking today about her new book, “They’re Not Gaslighting You”.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

• Why we’re obsessed with words like “narcissist” and “gaslighting” in dating
• How our relationships are affected by hunting for red flags and other ways we try to diagnose our partners
• What to say if someone accuses you of having a psychological disorder

EP 666: Dr. Isabelle Morley – How to Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship!

What led to the uptick in therapy-speak, and why are we all obsessed with using clinical terms?

We can blame the internet and social media for the uptick in these terms. People had no idea what borderline personality and boundaries were. Now, everyone has access to this information. People have learned the wrong meaning for these words, and that can be harmful.

What’s the problem with people using therapy terms? Isn’t it good that people are more knowledgeable about things like boundaries and narcissists and hunting for red flags?

People use these terms accusatory and that’s not helpful. You have to make a choice in what you want to do and how you want to behave in relationships.

How are people’s relationships being affected by these clinical terms?

So much of your life can be changed by you instead of accusing others. If you’re encountering the same type of person over and over, ask yourself, what behaviors am I tolerating that I shouldn’t be?

How can people best respond to someone who has accused them of having a psychological disorder or exhibiting abusive behavior when they don’t think it’s justified?

One of the best ways to respond to a psychological term that doesn’t feel justified, is to not get defensive, because they will then reinforce that you are that thing they’re accusing you of. Instead, hear them, acknowledge that they must be really hurt to call you that. Let’s talk about it, because it’s painful and doesn’t help. 

Abusers use these terms to control the narrative. You’re the problem. Look carefully at whether they’re not willing to walk it back. That’s concerning.

How is misused or weaponized therapy-speak getting in the way of dating?

Gaslighting is a word from a movie. If you’ve truly been gaslit, it causes immeasurable damage. There are two major sources of harm: if you look for red flags, you’re going to find them. If you’re looking for narcissists, you’ll find them. You’ll also write off perfectly good partners for no reason. Don’t draw these conclusions without enough data. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

As hard as it is, lead with vulnerability and curiosity. Be open and don’t jump to self-protective labels. People are trying their best. Give yourself and others grace.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect with Isabelle Morley

• IG @drisabellemorley https://www.instagram.com/drisabellemorley/?hl=en 
• Website: drisabellemorley.com
• 3 Free downloads: Reality Check: Am I Being Gaslit?, Say What You Mean: Translating Therapy Speak into Real Connection, and Label-Free Language: A Guide to Non-Pathologizing Conversations

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