If you want to feel safe in your romantic relationships, Jessica Baum wrote a wonderful book on this topic. Tune in to learn more. — Do you feel safe in your relationships? Most of us struggle with feelings of security and safety. Enter my guest, Jessica Baum, a licensed psychotherapist and author of SAFE—Coming Home […]

If you want to feel safe in your romantic relationships, Jessica Baum wrote a wonderful book on this topic. Tune in to learn more.

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Do you feel safe in your relationships? Most of us struggle with feelings of security and safety. Enter my guest, Jessica Baum, a licensed psychotherapist and author of SAFE—Coming Home to Yourself and Others and Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love. She explores the “Whys” of life: why we feel, connect, and experience the world the way we do. This passion led her to specialize in trauma, attachment theory, and interpersonal neurobiology. She believes that connection to ourselves and others is at the heart of healing, and she uses a range of modalities to help individuals and couples return to wholeness. She’s the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, and she leads the Conscious Relationship Group, a global coaching company offering support to clients worldwide. 

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

• How early attachment patterns develop and how they can make us feel unsafe in our closest relationships
• How to stop reenacting the core wound of abandonment in our adult relationships
• How to start building “earned security” if you didn’t grow up with it
• How implicit memory shapes our attraction patterns and relational choices
• How to recognize when you’re pushing away the very connection you say you want

EP 689: Jessica Baum – How to Feel Safe in Your Romantic Relationships

How do early attachment patterns develop, and how can they make us feel unsafe in our closest relationships?

We develop these patterns in infancy. When our parents have emotional presence and attunement, we have more secure attachment. If there’s stress or anxiety or inconsistency, we develop insecure attachment in our closest relationships.

A common theme for all insecure attachment styles is the theme of abandonment. What does it take to stop reenacting that core wound in our adult relationships?

A core wound is a feeling that happens when we’re very young. They live deeply embedded in our bodies. To heal, we anchor and hold the original event in our bodies. If your parents were struggling or fighting, as young children, we sense something is off and think it’s something wrong with us. It’s a way to develop an adaptive strategy to survive. Be with those parts. Understand them. We can’t heal without adult anchoring. You don’t do it alone. You can co-anchor with others, not just therapists.

How can someone start building “earned security” if they didn’t grow up with it?

Seek out safe people in your life to help build earned security and a felt sense of safety in relationships.

What is implicit memory, and how does it shape our attraction patterns and relational choices?

Implicit memories are sensations in the body that happen when we’re young and we’re not met to process hard feelings. These patterns are stored in our bodies. When you feel something is off in your body, these are implicit memories. That starts to change the relationship you have with the wound. That gets to the root of the attachment wound. 

How can people recognize when they’re pushing away the very connection they say they want?

If we grew up in a home with a lot of neglect or chaos, it feels uncomfortable to our nervous system to have someone safe in our lives. It feels foreign. When you experience safety over and over again, you’re more comfortable with safe people who truly see you.

What does it mean to carry multiple attachment styles or patterns—what do they feel like, and why is that important to know?

One of the free gifts I’m giving you is “beyond the labels”, which is the Wheel of Attachment. In one household we can have all the patterns of attachment. When you understand attachment in a more wholistic and organic way, we can show up with many different attachment styles or patterns. We show up differently with different people in childhood and adulthood.

What’s one practice from SAFE that listeners can start using today if they feel stuck, lonely, or overwhelmed?

Source safety from the past. If you have a safe person or even a pet or someone from your past, you can go into those memories as to what it feels like to feel safe. This is how we recognize warmth, consistently, and reliability.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Get curious about what feels unsafe and safe when you date. Dating is complicated. Go as slow as possible. Process as truthfully as possible.

Connect with Jessica Baum

• Facebook
• Instagram
• LinkedIn
• Free gifts: 40-minute conversation with Jessica and her mentor Bonnie about going from insecurity to security and the Wheel of Attachment: https://jessicabaumlmhc.com/interview

Watch this episode on YouTube

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