Last Updated on May 2, 2025 by

How do you transform anxious attachment into secure attachment? My guest, Trevor Hanson, has a 5-step framework that will help you heal. — Trevor Hanson is an internationally recognized coach and therapist specializing in transforming anxious attachment into secure relationships. After overcoming his own struggles, he left Tesla to pursue his passion for healing. With […]

How do you transform anxious attachment into secure attachment? My guest, Trevor Hanson, has a 5-step framework that will help you heal.

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Trevor Hanson is an internationally recognized coach and therapist specializing in transforming anxious attachment into secure relationships. After overcoming his own struggles, he left Tesla to pursue his passion for healing. With a master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, he’s helped thousands globally through The Art of Healing and his signature method, “The Secure-Self Journey.”

In this episode:

• The 4 essential elements to healing anxious attachment that most people miss.
• The key mindset shift that most people overlook when trying to become secure.
• A look at the structured plan Trevor uses to help clients develop a secure attachment.
• A clear direction on how to start healing.
• A powerful approach for creating self-trust, confidence, and safety within yourself.
• How to take the next steps in your journey to healing anxious attachment.

EP 658: Trevor Hanson – Transforming Anxious Attachment into Secure Attachment

What is anxious attachment, and how does it impact our relationships?

There are two criteria to meet to be anxiously attached. You have fear of abandonment or fear of losing connection with others. You feel love is scarce and your ex is the only one for you.The second is a lack of self-esteem. It might not be conscious.

The TEMPO cycle is something we created to show how anxious attachment impacts our relationships 

T: Trigger. Creates a fear of abandonment. 

M: Meaning. What meaning do we make out of that trigger?

E: Emotion. What do you feel?

P: Protect. In a relationship, we begin to protect ourselves by shutting down or people-pleasing.

O: Outcome. What happens in the relationship and in you?

What are the 4 essential elements to healing anxious attachment that most people miss?

1. Recognize the inner child part of you that created people pleasing or other rules that love has to be earned. Learn how to approach, nurture, and heal that part of you. 
2. Healing looks like
   1. Be compassionate and kind to our inner child. 
   2. Listen to the so-called truths we believe about love 
   3. Validate. Be empathic to your inner child. 
   4. Truth – Create safety and trust for your inner child.

What are the next steps to healing anxious attachment?

If your partner triggers you and you feel that they don’t care about you, recognize that your inner child is triggered. If you tend to go to protection and start judging them and pointing out their bad behavior, your partner is now triggered and might get defensive and shut down.

If you can map out what’s going on, you can interrupt the cycle. Ask yourself what you want to do at every point of the trigger. If you recognize the meaning you’re making, you can change the meaning to something else. Maybe you need to communicate with them about what you need. Maybe you need to regulate your emotions. If you’re still upset, you can ask yourself what the outcome is that you are seeking. When you know your TEMPO cycle, you have power to interrupt it.  Learn how to be vulnerable and ask for what you want from your partner. This is about co-regulation.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

My last first date happened when I became secure. There’s a scene in the Barbie movie where Ken is jealous, and he feels scarcity. On the outside, he looks confident. But he was insecurely attached. When I healed and filled my own cup, I saw the women I dated less as rescuers and more as potential partners. Build your sense of security. 

Connect With Trevor

https://linktr.ee/trevorhanson

Watch this episode on Youtube

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