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Why Hope Might Be the Real Secret to Lasting Love

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What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, has a hunch it might be something that surprises you… — What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, is a psychologist, author, and renowned speaker dedicated to empowering people through the science of mental health. She […]

secret to lasting love

What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, has a hunch it might be something that surprises you…

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What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, is a psychologist, author, and renowned speaker dedicated to empowering people through the science of mental health. She weaves her real, lived experiences with behavioral science to create practical, transformative strategies for lasting change. Whether through her TEDx presentations, her interactive workshops, or her book The 5 Habits of Hope, Dr. Garcia’s mission remains the same: to prove that hope isn’t just something you feel—it’s something you practice, one habit at a time.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • The secret to lasting love
  • Why people struggle to hold onto hope in romantic relationships
  • The 5 Habits of Hope
  • Feeling Detours, and how they show up in our lives
  • How to train yourself to have more hope

EP 692: Dr. Julia Garcia – Why Hope Might Be the Real Secret to Lasting Love

What inspired you to write this book?

I was inspired by people I’ve met all over the world. I built a crisis hotline during the pandemic, and I’ve been inundated by how many people say they’re hopeless. There’s got to be a process back to hope. I’m honoring all the stories I’ve heard. Hope is the fuel to keep us motivated and keep going.

Why do you think so many people struggle to hold onto hope, especially when it comes to their romantic relationships?

When we feel hopeless, our brain shuts down. When we have tools to feel feelings we don’t like to feel, we can break the cycles that are not helping us. “Maybe” is a special word that can help create hope. It’s a moment of interruption. Maybe I am deserving of love. Hope is the greatest predictor of health.

You introduce The 5 Habits of Hope: Reflect, Risk, Release, Receive, and Repurpose. Can you walk us through how these habits work in practice?

  1. Reflect: Pause long enough to feel what we feel in the present. What’s something I’ve struggled with?
  2. Risk: Emotional risks can be difficult for some people. You might think you’re not worth the risk to open up. You’re not a burden. People care. Be more vulnerable.
  3. Release: This is one of the hardest. We’re so hard on ourselves and don’t give us permission to breathe. Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s meditating.
  4. Receive: If you don’t think you’re worthy, it will be hard to receive. You have the capacity to love and receive love. Receive love from friends.
  5. Repurpose: See worth where you may have seen waste or felt discarded or disregarded. It’s what we do with the feelings that matter.

In your book, you talk about “feeling detours.” What are they, and how do they show up in our everyday lives?

Feeling detours are about dismissing, denying, being divisive about your feelings. If we don’t feel, we don’t deal, and we can’t heal. Practice the five habits. Identify why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. 

If someone listening feels hopeless right now, what’s the very first step they can take today to begin building hope again?

If you’re listening, it’s a powerful step. It took me many years to have words and language. Be passionate, not perfect, be present. And remind yourself…maybe. Maybe I can love again. Maybe I can enjoy this date no matter the outcome. 

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect with Dr. Julia

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Dating Advice: Old Dating Rules vs. New Dating Guidelines

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Out with the old dating rules, and in with new dating guidelines and principles. Tune in to Last First Date Radio to hear Talia Koren! — Why should we dump the old dating rules? Talia Koren is a dating podcaster, content creator, and entrepreneur who went on 64 first dates in under 10 months before […]

dating rules

Out with the old dating rules, and in with new dating guidelines and principles. Tune in to Last First Date Radio to hear Talia Koren!

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Why should we dump the old dating rules? Talia Koren is a dating podcaster, content creator, and entrepreneur who went on 64 first dates in under 10 months before meeting her husband on Hinge. Now, as the founder of Dating Intentionally, she helps women in their 30s–50s date with purpose, build real connections, and enjoy the process.

In this episode:

  • The old rules of dating and why they don’t work anymore
  • The new dating guidelines
  • How to get out of old dating programming
  • Why people today are afraid of commitment and vulnerability
  • What to do when someone says they’re ready for commitment but aren’t

EP 709: Talia Koren – Old Dating Rules vs. New Dating Guidelines

Highlights of this Episode

Main theme: Old dating rules vs. new guidelines

  • Old “rules” (e.g., waiting three days, three-date sex rule) are games/manipulation.
  • Reframe dating as games vs. boundaries vs. standards.
  • Recommendation: ditch manipulative games; use clear boundaries and healthy standards.

Practical dating guidelines

  • Slow dating: align actions with goals, reflect after dates, sit with discomfort.
  • Show clear interest (don’t hide feelings); be direct about communication preferences.
  • Women encouraged to make first moves; both partners should share initiative by “turning towards” each other.
  • First dates should be low-commitment (coffee/walk) as a vibe check.
  • Focus reflections on values, how you felt, and reciprocity — not superficial markers (car, degree).
  • Ask targeted, personal questions related to your needs (e.g., career, travel) to evaluate fit.
  • If actions don’t match stated intentions (e.g., says wants a relationship but is inconsistent), move on.

Personal experiences/examples

  • Talia: 64 first dates in 10 months, then met husband outside her “type”; attraction developed slowly; prized slow burn, reciprocity, and lack of red flags.
  • Examples of dealbreakers: physical boundary violations (unwanted grabbing), stalking/over-researching, Venmo-for-sex behavior.

Watch on YouTube

Connect With Talia

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

FREE download: “The Green Light Guide to Dating After 50: How to Show Interest Without Chasing” https://lastfirstdate.com/green-light-guide/

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Live Coaching With Heather – How to Know When to Stay and When to Go

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Listen as I coach Heather live on the podcast. She wants to know how she can figure out early on when to stay and when to go. — Heather wrote in to the podcast: “I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on myself (listening to your […]

when to stay and when to go

Listen as I coach Heather live on the podcast. She wants to know how she can figure out early on when to stay and when to go.

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Heather wrote in to the podcast: “I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on myself (listening to your podcasts and being a woman of value) but still spent the last two years in a relationship that was on and off again. How do you quickly find out if someone is a match? Instead of spending a few years trying to figure it out.”

Listen as I coach Heather live on air on how to know…should I stay or should I go (and so much more)!

When to Stay and When to Go?

Heather has been separated for three years and divorced three years after a 13-year marriage. She discusses what she learned from her marriage that she’s bringing to the next relationship.

She began by listing all of HER faults in the marriage; she felt she was harsh and controlling and had to always be right. I noticed that she put the blame on herself, but as we continued the coaching conversation, much more was revealed.

She knew on the day of her wedding that he was the wrong man for her. But, she married him anyway. She’s not alone. This is more common than you may think.

I ask Heather why she did not trust her intuition about her ex-husband. She felt he wasn’t the right man, and she felt trapped in the relationship. Life just happened to her instead of making conscious choices in her life. Can you relate?

She saw the red flags and ignored them. We compare her marriage red flags with the red flags in her more current relationship.

Red flags in the marriage included detachment and living parallel lives. Turns out he was gay, even though he had said he was bisexual when they got married. She was his first relationship with a woman.

Both were not true to themselves and were living a lie during the marriage.

I ask Heather, “Who does your ex-husband remind you of from your family of origin?”

She says it was not her dad. Or…was it? As Heather describes their relationship, she discovers some surprising truths about the connection between her father and why she chose her husband.

Our downloaded family blueprint directly influences our choices in romantic partners.

We often pick a partner who has similar qualities to our most difficult parent. We keep hoping we can somehow ‘fix’ the relationship with that parent by fixing it in a partner who has those traits. It doesn’t work. I share with Heather what DOES work.

I show her how she puts herself down and makes excuses for bad behavior in men. I point out the difference between having compassion for others and making excuses for bad behavior. This really resonates with her. She then draws the connection between her father and the last man she dated.

How can you tell if a man has the qualities you’re looking for, and whether you should stay or go?

Heather is fuzzy about this, and I clarify the difference between an annoying behavior and a character flaw.

I walk her through an exercise to find her must-haves.

As we conclude our session, I tell Heather how she needs to guard herself from giving away too much too soon. She needs to be careful not to choose partners who have the red flags she identified.

Heather’s Homework

Notice where she’s giving parts of herself away before someone shows her they deserve her stories and her love. Lean back and observe behaviors. See if a guy steps up. Tell men what she needs to be happy in the relationship, and see if a man can provide that for her.

Can you relate to Heather’s story? How did you feel about the coaching session? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Transform Love, Healing, and Human Connection

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My podcast guest, Cynthia Marks, discusses how to transform love, healing, and human connection. You don’t want to miss this! — If you want to transform love, healing and human connection, this episode is for you! Cynthia Marks is the host of And Now Love, a podcast inspired by the psychoanalytic teachings of her late […]

human connection

My podcast guest, Cynthia Marks, discusses how to transform love, healing, and human connection. You don’t want to miss this!

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If you want to transform love, healing and human connection, this episode is for you! Cynthia Marks is the host of And Now Love, a podcast inspired by the psychoanalytic teachings of her late husband, Dr. Bernard Bail. Through intimate conversations and dream exploration, she helps listeners uncover unconscious emotional imprints and transform their understanding of love, healing, and human connection.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What inspired Cynthia to start her podcast, And Now Love, and what’s the core message behind it?
  • What role do early maternal relationships play in shaping our capacity to love or trust a partner in midlife?
  • Cynthia’s healing journey where one of her husband’s teachings shifted her view on love
  • What does a “healthy love” look like, and what practical steps can someone take to move toward that kind of love, even if they’ve never experienced it before?
  • What’s one emotional pattern or belief someone might not realize is sabotaging their efforts to connect and find love?

EP 670: Cynthia Marks – How to Transform Love, Healing, and Human Connection

Tell us about your podcast, And Now Love. What inspired you to start it, and what’s the core message behind it?

It’s based on the theories of my late husband, Dr. Bail who passed away four years ago. He had a psychoanalytic theory that helps us be our best selves, to love ourselves. We’re all holding onto so much trauma, it’s hard to understand our authentic selves. His theory posits that this begins in the womb. Our mothers aren’t trying to traumatize us, but they carry trauma passed on from their ancestors. We have to figure out how to stop the trauma. Bernard discovered that dreams carry the information we need to heal. 

What role do early maternal relationships play in shaping our capacity to love or trust a partner in midlife?

As children, we want to make our mother (and father) happy, so we do things to please them. Often, that comes at the cost of losing parts of ourselves and developing false beliefs. What did you learn in childhood? You’re not loveable? Not true. We’re all based in love and carry love.

Can you share a moment from your own healing journey where one of Dr. Bail’s teachings shifted your view on love?

Through the course of talking about my dreams with my husband, he helped me come to my own conclusions about what the dream images meant to me. I reframed my view of my reality and my beliefs about love. Once I shifted my view of love,  I was able to release the trauma I was carrying.

What does a “healthy love” look like to you, and what practical steps can someone take to move toward that kind of love, even if they’ve never experienced it before?

Healthy love is first understanding who we really are vs who we trained ourselves to be to survive. Each of us has a base of love, and most of us don’t get to that place. If we can undo this trauma and love ourselves, we can understand what it is to love others and receive love. You’ll elevate others. You’ll feel true empathy for others.

What’s one emotional pattern or belief someone might not realize is sabotaging their efforts to connect and find love?

If you think you don’t deserve kindness or love – unconsciously – you’ll push away a kind and loving person and continue to date people who are wrong for you.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Let go of what you think is judgment, and let go of your preconceived notions of what you’re entitled to (when it comes to love). Even if you think you have a lot of work to do, take a jump off the diving board and let go.

Connect with Cynthia Marks

Watch this episode on YouTube here

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Stop Second-Guessing Yourself in Dating: 5 Ways to Build Confidence

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If you’ve been second guessing yourself in dating, these tips will help you learn to trust your instincts and build confidence! — If you’ve ever walked away from a date replaying every word you said, wondering if you should’ve done something differently—you’re not alone. Dating can bring up a lot of self-doubt, but second-guessing yourself […]

second-guessing

If you’ve been second guessing yourself in dating, these tips will help you learn to trust your instincts and build confidence!

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If you’ve ever walked away from a date replaying every word you said, wondering if you should’ve done something differently—you’re not alone. Dating can bring up a lot of self-doubt, but second-guessing yourself only keeps you stuck.

The truth? You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to trust yourself. Here’s how to stop overthinking and start dating with confidence.

5 Ways to Stop Second-Guessing and Build Confidence

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your Thoughts

The first step is noticing when you’re spinning in circles. Pay attention to those “What if?” or “Maybe I shouldn’t have…” thoughts. Then ask yourself: Am I afraid of making a mistake, or am I just being hard on myself? Awareness is powerful—it helps you separate real concerns from unnecessary self-criticism.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Your brain loves to tell stories that aren’t true. Question those assumptions. Is there actual evidence, or are you just filling in the blanks? And remember—there’s no such thing as “perfect” in dating. Be kind to yourself. When you catch your mind spiraling, gently shift your focus to something positive or productive.

3. Trust Your Intuition

Your gut is wiser than you think. Start small: trust yourself with everyday choices, and you’ll build confidence for the bigger ones—like who to date and when to walk away. And once you make a decision, stop analyzing it to death. Assume you made the best choice you could in that moment, and move forward.

4. Learn from Your Experiences

Dating is a learning curve. Instead of beating yourself up over past choices, reflect on what you can take away from them. Growth matters more than perfection. Every experience—good or bad—is practice for building the love life you want.

5. Seek Support

You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to friends who remind you of your worth. If you’re feeling stuck, therapy or coaching can give you tools to quiet the self-doubt. And mindfulness? Total game-changer. It helps you see your thoughts without getting tangled up in them.

Second-guessing yourself won’t get you closer to love—but self-trust will. Every time you choose to back yourself instead of doubting yourself, you’re building the kind of confidence that attracts the right people. So take a deep breath, trust your gut, and remember: the right person won’t require you to question yourself—they’ll make you feel sure.

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find your person, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

The Shocking Psychology of Nice Guy Syndrome

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Nice guy syndrome: why trying to please everyone is making men weaker. Tune into the pod to learn more from the Therapy Brothers! — Why do so many men think being the “nice guy” is a good thing? Meet the Therapy Brothers, licensed clinicians and brothers Brannon and Tyler Patrick, redefining mental health and modern […]

nice guy syndrome

Nice guy syndrome: why trying to please everyone is making men weaker. Tune into the pod to learn more from the Therapy Brothers!

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Why do so many men think being the “nice guy” is a good thing? Meet the Therapy Brothers, licensed clinicians and brothers Brannon and Tyler Patrick, redefining mental health and modern masculinity. Through their popular podcast and clinical work, they break down complex psychological barriers into actionable advice on trust, betrayal, addiction, and emotional resilience. With humor, heart, and refreshing honesty, they tackle relationship dynamics, trauma healing, and the ‘why’ behind our habits. Get ready to dive deep.

In this episode:

  • How “Mr. Nice Guy” isn’t actually nice
  • Why men become the “nice guy”
  • How the nice guys can break the pattern of people-pleasing
  • The connection between nice guy syndrome and addiction

EP 712: The Therapy Brothers – The Shocking Psychology of Nice Guy Syndrome

Highlights of this episode:

What’s “Nice Guy Syndrome”?

  • Appears outwardly kind but is driven by extracting validation.
  • Inauthentic people-pleasing hides true self and creates resentment.
  • Not limited to men; manifests similarly in women as excessive self-sacrifice (“pleaseritis”).

Causes & Consequences of Nice Guy Syndrome

  • Rooted in shame, trauma, and low self-confidence learned in childhood.
  • Leads to secrecy, overpromising, underdelivering, anxious/overbearing intimacy, and potential for addictive coping or sudden anger.
  • Undermines real connection and can create unstable, unsafe-feeling relationships.

Recovery, Healthy Masculinity & Relationship Skills

  • Recovery requires self-knowledge, boundaries, vulnerability, and practice.
  • Healthy masculinity: know values, hold shape under pressure, be kind but boundaried.
  • Parenting and relationships benefit from consistent boundaries; safety comes from stability and authenticity.
  • Practical steps: practice small authentic choices (e.g., pick a restaurant), share real daily experiences, list and enforce boundaries, and seek coaching/therapy.
  • Dating red flags: love-bombing, fast intimacy, anxious scrambling to please.

Watch this episode on YouTube here:

Connect with the Therapy Brothers

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Submit your dating dilemma to be answered on my podcast https://tinyurl.com/datingdilemma

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

What’s Your Conflict Management Style?

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Conflict management is difficult for most of us. In this episode, discover your conflict management style and how to do conflict better. — What’s your conflict management personality? Dr. John Eliot, PhD, co-wrote a book on this topic. He mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches, and athletes on psychological principles for enhancing health, […]

conflict management

Conflict management is difficult for most of us. In this episode, discover your conflict management style and how to do conflict better.

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What’s your conflict management personality? Dr. John Eliot, PhD, co-wrote a book on this topic. He mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches, and athletes on psychological principles for enhancing health, performance, and workplace culture. He has consulted for NASA, the US Olympic Committee, the Mayo Clinic, Sony, and Microsoft. Eliot has held professorial appointments at the University of Virginia, Stanford, Rice, SMU, and the Texas Medical Center, winning teaching awards at each.

In this episode:

  • Why John decided to focus his research on conflict personalities
  • How our conflict responses are rooted in predictable patterns
  • How we can predict behavior in high-pressure or emotionally charged situations
  • How someone’s ‘Conflict’ personality changes between home and work
  • Why it’s important to understand our triggers

EP 650: Dr. John Elliot – What’s Your Conflict Management Style?

Why did you decide to focus your research on conflict personality styles?

My co-author and I do a lot of organizational training, and we discovered that the tools that help us understand ourselves are fantastic for communication when things are going well. But when a speed bump comes along, something knocks you off kilter. We veer away from our normal communication style during those times.

What are the five conflict personalities?

  1. Avoider
  2. Competitor
  3. Analyzer
  4. Accommodator
  5. Collaborator

How can someone’s ‘Conflict personality’ change between home and work?

At work it can be easier to be rational. Many people have a different go-to at home than at work. One of the reasons is the mission is different. We can compartmentalize better at work and keep our emotions from spiking. At home, the mission is the relationship, caring for your family and loved one. So the lines are blurred.

When it comes to conflict, why is it important to understand our own triggers?

Knowing your hot buttons is crucial so you can predict where you’re more likely to get away from being yourself. It will also help you know which of your conflict styles will be the habits you go to. Find one little thing you can do to get back to center. Do you need a breather? To be heard? To listen?

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

The fundamental needs we all share are a need to be heard, to be cared for, and to be of value. Understand that it’s about your helping them and them helping you meet each other’s needs. Try to understand the value of the other person. Be curious and interested. We are designed to be in pairs and groups. We can accomplish a lot together. We’re teammates.

How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home by John Eliot and Jim Gunn is available at the Conflict Docs website: https://www.theconflictdocs.com/Home 

IG https://www.instagram.com/theconflictdocs/

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

The Data Behind Love and Compatibility

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Love and compatibility go hand-in-hand. If you want to find a partner with a balance of attraction and compatibility, listen to this episode! — Did you know that love and compatibility can be measured and calculated? My podcast guest, Zoey Charif, isn’t just redefining how we think about love — she’s giving us a blueprint […]

love and compatibility

Love and compatibility go hand-in-hand. If you want to find a partner with a balance of attraction and compatibility, listen to this episode!

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Did you know that love and compatibility can be measured and calculated? My podcast guest, Zoey Charif, isn’t just redefining how we think about love — she’s giving us a blueprint for it. As the author of Love Can, In Fact, Be Calculated, Zoey spent nearly two decades decoding the patterns of human attraction, pulling from her background in criminology, data analytics, and a relentless drive to challenge everything we’ve been taught about relationships.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why do people often choose partners who aren’t right for them, and how can they shift that?
  • What qualities actually lead to lasting relationships, even if they’re not immediately exciting?
  • What are some signs we’re repeating unhealthy relationship patterns?
  • How can someone strengthen their self-confidence after a breakup or rejection?
  • Why do you believe understanding yourself is the first step to finding the right partner?

EP 667: Zoey Charif – The Data Behind Love and Compatibility

Why do people often choose partners who aren’t right for them, and how can they shift that?

We are choosing based on attraction but not compatibility and traits. Couples who stay together tend to admire their partner and see them as slightly higher. Gottman says that the couples who stay together, the man has influence over the woman via admiration and vice versa. 

Couples who are either more compatibility focused (practicality type) or emotions focused (chemistry). You can be on a continuum of either of these, healthy or extreme. To last, you need to have a healthy balance of both, especially the healthy emotional category.

What qualities actually lead to love and compatibility, even if they’re not immediately exciting?

Honesty, communication, dependability are key. A match is based on a shared set of values. You have a self score and a partner score. That accounts for compatibility but not attractions. I created a trait preference assessment to help understand someone’s traits. 

How can someone strengthen their self-confidence after a breakup or rejection?

At the end of the book, I share my journey to building self-confidence after my breakup and how I met my husband. Every day, I journaled about my self-score and my ex-partner’s score and the trait preferences. It was so revealing. My number one was dependability and honesty, but I had given myself a much lower score than was warranted. I had given my ex a high score in both, and I was delusional about that. I removed the illusion. I had been suffering from an infatuation distortion. I had a blindfold on. Once I did the calculations, I began to heal. There was a misalignment. Love has to be mutual. Don’t put people on a pedestal. 

I met my husband, Kevin at a dog park. He didn’t fit the usual traits I enjoy, so I wasn’t super attracted, but the values aligned, so I gave it time. He’s younger than I am, and I thought that was important, but he has an old soul and is a good person. I was able to let that go. The next area was cultural. I thought someone had to have the same background, but that wasn’t important in the long run. We began laughing together, which was what I thought I needed from someone with a similar cultural background.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Look for your rock. Be mindful and honest about the traits you’re attracted to so you can co-create a healthy, long-term relationship. Identify if you’re holding onto the pain of a past relationship or self-doubt, because that will impact your future relationship. Identify your values and traits. Don’t box yourself in about what you’re attracted to, especially if your nervous system is activated. Self reflect and heal your unhealthy patterns.

Connect with Zoey

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship

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If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating. — Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and […]

hunting for red flags

If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating.

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Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and more. Dr. Morley also serves on the founding board of the UCAN Foundation and provides couples therapy in the Boston area. We’re talking today about her new book, “They’re Not Gaslighting You”.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why we’re obsessed with words like “narcissist” and “gaslighting” in dating
  • How our relationships are affected by hunting for red flags and other ways we try to diagnose our partners
  • What to say if someone accuses you of having a psychological disorder

EP 666: Dr. Isabelle Morley – How to Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship!

What led to the uptick in therapy-speak, and why are we all obsessed with using clinical terms?

We can blame the internet and social media for the uptick in these terms. People had no idea what borderline personality and boundaries were. Now, everyone has access to this information. People have learned the wrong meaning for these words, and that can be harmful.

What’s the problem with people using therapy terms? Isn’t it good that people are more knowledgeable about things like boundaries and narcissists and hunting for red flags?

People use these terms accusatory and that’s not helpful. You have to make a choice in what you want to do and how you want to behave in relationships.

How are people’s relationships being affected by these clinical terms?

So much of your life can be changed by you instead of accusing others. If you’re encountering the same type of person over and over, ask yourself, what behaviors am I tolerating that I shouldn’t be?

How can people best respond to someone who has accused them of having a psychological disorder or exhibiting abusive behavior when they don’t think it’s justified?

One of the best ways to respond to a psychological term that doesn’t feel justified, is to not get defensive, because they will then reinforce that you are that thing they’re accusing you of. Instead, hear them, acknowledge that they must be really hurt to call you that. Let’s talk about it, because it’s painful and doesn’t help. 

Abusers use these terms to control the narrative. You’re the problem. Look carefully at whether they’re not willing to walk it back. That’s concerning.

How is misused or weaponized therapy-speak getting in the way of dating?

Gaslighting is a word from a movie. If you’ve truly been gaslit, it causes immeasurable damage. There are two major sources of harm: if you look for red flags, you’re going to find them. If you’re looking for narcissists, you’ll find them. You’ll also write off perfectly good partners for no reason. Don’t draw these conclusions without enough data. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

As hard as it is, lead with vulnerability and curiosity. Be open and don’t jump to self-protective labels. People are trying their best. Give yourself and others grace.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect with Isabelle Morley

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships

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If you want to stop losing yourself in relationships, listen to this episode with couples therapists, Robin Temple & Michael Moore. — Stop losing yourself in relationships! Married for over thirty years, Robin Temple and Michael Moore can help you have healthier relationships. They have led workshops and retreats for more than 1,500 couples and […]

losing yourself in relationships

If you want to stop losing yourself in relationships, listen to this episode with couples therapists, Robin Temple & Michael Moore.

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Stop losing yourself in relationships! Married for over thirty years, Robin Temple and Michael Moore can help you have healthier relationships. They have led workshops and retreats for more than 1,500 couples and have trained dozens of leaders in couples work. They provide retreats and coaching that delivers positive change quickly and predictably, providing couples with surprisingly rapid improvements in understanding and happiness.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What couples need to know to be happy together
  • Why gratitude is so powerful for couples and a simple, effective way to practice it every day
  • What it takes for real listening to occur
  • How to encourage someone to speak up with confidence that their message will get through… without resistance or blow-back
  • What is the “Art of the Apology,” and how can it repair hurts or long standing issues that might otherwise seem impossible to overcome?
  • Some effective first steps for resolving an issue that feels “unresolvable”—like money differences or intimacy problems

EP 655: Robin Temple & Michael Moore – How to Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships

What inspired you to do the work you do, and what has helped you make it through the challenges of a thirty-year marriage? 

Robin: We both have been through divorce, and I was left with many questions about my divorce. I didn’t have a lot of self-awareness about why it happened. It left me wondering about how long-term relationships can endure. I had been a therapist, but I went back to grad school to learn about marriages. We teach what we need to learn. Michael and I had a strong connection, but I wasn’t sure how we could blend lives. We took our time.

Michael: We moved in for a summer as a trial. I thought it would be amazing, and it was difficult from the start. We weren’t hopeful. The hardest part was our differences around parenting. I thought it was most important to teach self-reliance. Robin was more about nourishing and encouraging creativity. We didn’t think we could figure out how to blend our lives. Eventually, Robin went on 24 days of training. The Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills program helped her learn what she could. I became intrigued by the program, and I joined her in the program. I was the only non-therapist there. For the first time, I felt Robin really heard and respected my point of view and that it was coming from a loving place. That was huge for us! We both became master teachers.

What do couples need to know to get along and be happy together without losing themselves?

Michael: You need other relationships in your life. Don’t only depend on your partner for every aspect of your life. Have other communities that your partner is not a part of. We have a quiz on our website which tests for key areas in your relationship. Respect is essential. Over time, learn what matters most.

Robin: We have a model called a ‘powergram’ to help them map out areas of responsibility and power. Where are you autonomous and where do you decide things together?

How do you encourage someone to speak up with confidence that their message will get through… without resistance or blow-back?

Robin: If the conversation is not going well, stop and take a break. Within an hour, suggest a time to get together within twenty four hours for a do-over.  Take turns talking and listening. Be empathic, even if you don’t agree. It’s not fair to just complain without making a request. 

Michael: Do simple mundane things that evoke positivity. Have a regular daily practice of gratitude. The more specific the better. So, when there’s a problem, there’s credit in your emotional bank. It’s also important to take turns. Both can’t be understood at the same time. The person listening only listens and offers validation at the end. Learn to ask for what matters. Own your part of the story.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Robin: While relationships seem mysterious and difficult territory, because our least mature and developed selves show up, know there are simple and powerful tools. With the right support, you can navigate change.

Michael: About seven years into our relationship, I developed an emotional infatuation with someone else, and I asked Robin to end the relationship and go on a provisional marriage for a while. It took a long time for us to not have long term grievances. We’ve been going on our first date for a long time. We don’t take each other for granted. Keep it fresh.

Connect with Michael and Robin

Watch this episode on Youtube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

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