7 Traits Quality Men Seek in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do With Age or Looks)

What are the traits quality men seek in a woman? Here are the top seven, and you might be surprised by what they are! — Let’s be honest — dating over 50 can feel like a trip through the Twilight Zone. You meet someone great, there’s chemistry, and then… poof. He disappears. Or worse, he […]

traits quality men seek in a woman

What are the traits quality men seek in a woman? Here are the top seven, and you might be surprised by what they are!

Let’s be honest — dating over 50 can feel like a trip through the Twilight Zone. You meet someone great, there’s chemistry, and then… poof. He disappears. Or worse, he sticks around but you’re carrying the emotional weight of the entire relationship.

Here’s what you need to know: quality men — the ones who are emotionally available, kind, and ready for a real partnership — are not just looking for someone young, cute and clever (although we’ll take the compliments). They’re looking for a woman who brings emotional maturity, self-awareness, and depth to the table.

If you’re wondering how to attract that kind of man, you’re in the right place. Here are seven powerful traits quality men seek in a woman — and yes, you can embody them all without losing yourself.

7 Traits Quality Men Seek in a Woman

1. She Doesn’t Plan a Future Before There’s a Present

It’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy — especially when someone ticks a few boxes on the first date. But quality men want to build a relationship with someone grounded in the now. When you’re already naming your future rescue dog together after two dates, it can be a red flag.

Staying present allows real connection to unfold naturally. It’s not about being aloof — it’s about pacing yourself and letting reality catch up with chemistry.

2. She Doesn’t Overanalyze Men

Wondering what his last text really meant or decoding every pause on the phone is exhausting — and frankly, not sexy. Quality men value women who trust their intuition and don’t need to play detective to feel secure.

If something feels off, you get curious and ask about it. If things are going well, you let it be easy. That energy is magnetic.

3. She’s Vulnerable and Communicates Her Feelings and Needs Directly and Kindly

Quality men don’t expect perfection. They want real. That means you’re not afraid to say, “Hey, I felt hurt when you canceled last minute,” or “I’m looking for a relationship where we check in regularly.”

It’s not about making demands — it’s about expressing what’s true for you in a way that invites connection rather than conflict.

4. She Is Clear About Her Must-Haves and Doesn’t Try to Force a Relationship When It’s Not a Good Fit

We’ve all done it — stayed a little too long in a not-so-good situation, hoping things would magically improve. But a woman of value doesn’t force it. She knows that compatibility isn’t about potential — it’s about alignment.

When something’s off, she doesn’t make excuses. She lovingly blesses and releases.

5. She Knows Her Worth and Won’t Compromise the Important Stuff for Anyone

You’re not auditioning for a role in his life — you’re co-creating a relationship. That means knowing what’s non-negotiable (emotional availability? kindness? consistent communication?) and not shrinking or settling just to be chosen.

Quality men are drawn to women who choose themselves first. That’s what makes you truly irresistible.

6. She’s Curious, Not Judgmental

We all have baggage. But a woman who can hold space, ask thoughtful questions, and remain open — rather than jumping to conclusions or moral high ground — creates safety and trust.

Curiosity says, “I want to understand you.” Judgment says, “I need you to be different.” Guess which one invites deeper connection?

7. She Has a Full Life Without a Man, But Knows How Much Her Life Will Be Enhanced With the Right Partner

You’ve cultivated joy, purpose, and pleasure on your own — and it shows. You’re not looking for someone to complete you, but to complement you.

That balanced energy — grounded in independence, yet open to intimacy — is what makes love flourish.

If you see yourself in this list — amazing! Keep shining. And if you’re still working on some of these traits, that’s what dating in midlife is all about — growing, healing, and becoming the version of yourself who attracts (and chooses) the love you deserve. And remember: It’s never too late to go on your last first date. 💕


If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with me and explore how private coaching can help! https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join my free Facebook group, Your Last First Date https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of my books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating: Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love.

Why Successful Women Struggle in Love

What are some of the top reasons why successful women tend to struggle in their love lives? Find out on the podcast with Emelia Nagy… — Why do successful women struggle in their romantic relationships? Emilia Nagy is a Sacred Union and relationship dynamics expert for spiritually awakened, high-achieving women ready to stop over-giving and […]

successful women

What are some of the top reasons why successful women tend to struggle in their love lives? Find out on the podcast with Emelia Nagy…

Why do successful women struggle in their romantic relationships? Emilia Nagy is a Sacred Union and relationship dynamics expert for spiritually awakened, high-achieving women ready to stop over-giving and start being chosen. Drawing on a decade of coaching and 500+ dates worldwide, she blends spiritual depth with practical strategy to help women attract and sustain emotionally available, masculine partners.

In this episode:

  • Why Successful Women Struggle in Love
  • What is Masculine–Feminine Polarity 
  • How Healing Might Be Keeping You Single
  • How to Date for Marriage & Not for Entertainment

EP 700: Emilia Nagy – Why Successful Women Struggle in Love

Why do successful women often struggle in love?

When women are successful and ambitious, we measure men by those standards. Men and women are not the same – our brains differ in over six hundred different ways. Success and value at work are not the same as in lasting love. 

Women also often don’t ask for help due to cultural and social reasons. We’re taught that independence is key, and we’re not really vulnerable and interdependent.

How do you define masculine/feminine polarity, and why is it important in dating and relationships?

I call them spiritual energies, how we create in life and interact with the world. Masculine’s qualities are generative, focus, creative in a penetrative way. 

Feminine energy is allowing, receiving, taking in. We have that form spiritually inside if we’re a feminine being. Everyone has both energies. We choose to come into a female or male body to come into one energy more often. 

In dating and relationships, masculine and feminine show up in the energy flow that nourishes them both. If you’re a woman chasing men because no one is asking you out, you’ll have feminine energy men in your life. If you generate from a feminine energy place, you’ll attract more masculine energy men in your life.

Get the free gift on how to attract the right guy: https://course.emilianagy.com/pick-the-right-guy 

How does healing keep people single?

If you focus only on healing and not dating and relationship skills, you’ll stay stuck. You don’t have to be good enough for love, just willing to learn some information and implement it. Don’t wait to be perfectly healed to date.

What are some keys for people who want to date for marriage or long-term relationships?

  • Limit to healthy masculine energy brains that want a partner.
  • Filter narrowly for a specific type of man.
  • Wait for them to generate three messages that are reciprocal.
  • Give out your phone number. If he doesn’t use it, it’s a next.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Please don’t think something is wrong with you. This is information we’re not taught. Learn which men want what you want. Learn to discern and select. That makes dating so much so much easier.

Connect with Emilia


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

FREE download: “The Green Light Guide to Dating After 50: How to Show Interest Without Chasing” https://lastfirstdate.com/green-light-guide/

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Deepen Your Connection: Secrets to Emotional and Physical Intimacy

How can we deepen our emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Laura Berman shares important tips to achieve ‘sex magic’! — What are the secrets to emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Berman has the answers in her newest book, Sex Magic. She’s a columnist for USA Today and a New York Times bestselling author who has […]

emotional and physical intimacy

How can we deepen our emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Laura Berman shares important tips to achieve ‘sex magic’!

What are the secrets to emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Berman has the answers in her newest book, Sex Magic. She’s a columnist for USA Today and a New York Times bestselling author who has written ten books. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast, The Language of Love. In addition to her regular appearances in daytime and news media, Dr. Berman was also the sex, love, and relationship expert on The Oprah Winfrey Show and has starred in four television series, including two on the OWN Network and one on Showtime.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • How to connect to your energetic body to master the pleasure available to you
  • How to confidently create deeper arousal and pleasure in yourself and your partner
  • How to build more sexual energy and desire within and between you and another
  • How to apply strategies for improving emotional and physical intimacy
  • How to remove the blocks of trauma and inhibition standing in the way of maximum pleasure
  • How to move pleasurable sensations throughout your body to achieve mind-blowing orgasms
  • How to use ancient techniques for sexual healing and manifesting your dreams

EP 664: Dr. Laura Berman – Deepen Your Connection: Secrets to Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Why did you write Sex Magic? 

I found wherever I went, people were asking me how do I spice things up and take things to the next level. Since the pandemic, all the stuff between couples came out and they were having an emotional reckoning. Plus, porn hub became free, which changed how people showed up in their sex life. People were looking for dopamine. When the spice starts to fade in a relationship, people look for more. Everything comes back to how you want to feel. People wanted intense excitement, so I too a deeper dive into that. 

In your book, you ask people to invite their physical self to their day. What do you mean by that, and how can people connect more deeply to their body’s energy?

Most of us are walking through the world disembodied. We’re always on our phones, and our minds are always busy. We are not aware of our bodies. An important part of sexuality is being attuned to your body. With arousal and orgasm, we have an awareness of our genitals. In sex magic, it’s our entire body. To connect to your body, ground with a quick meditation. Take a moment several times a day to tune into your senses. Put down your phone and employ all of your senses when you’re eating. 

How can couples build their erotic energy?

In the book, there are many exercises for singles and couples to build their erotic energy. As you start to date, you can teach your partner what you learned about building arousal and energy. Practice moving the sexual energy up through your body with your breath and kegel muscles. Using visualization helps, too. Pull up to each section of your body, and then drop it down.

How can people use sex as a powerful tool to manifest their dreams?

In the 1800s, people began to write about how to use sex to manifest. There’s science underneath this concept. Our bodies are pure vibrating energy. We hold an energetic frequency that is influenced by our relationship with ourselves and with others. Manifesting is moving your body’s energy into the one who has that energy already. You feel as if you already have that state of being. That supercharges your intention. All potentials exist. The highest energetic state is bliss and orgasm. If you want to create or manifest something, if you hold that during orgasm, you will be more likely to manifest that.

How can people remove the blocks of trauma and inhibition standing in the way of maximum pleasure?

It depends on the degree of trauma. Most of us need support to work through trauma. As a therapist, I do less talking with patients and more somatic/body work. It’s about how trauma is held in the body. If you disassociate during sex, somatic work is crucial. If you had to take care of your parents’ emotions, sexually you might be focused more on your partner’s needs than your own. That gets in the way of fully feeling pleasure. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Get super clear of the qualities you want and narrow it down to five. Get clear on the top three ways you want to feel when you wake up with that person you’re calling in, and live from that place. You’ll see a huge difference in how you manifest a partner.

Dr. Laura’s Social media and website links

Watch this episode on YouTube here


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

The Rise in Gray Divorce Among Couples Over 50

There’s a rise in gray divorce, divorce after 50. Why? Tune into this episode with Dr. Dana McNeil to find out! — Why is there a rise in gray divorce? Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed couples therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in emotional safety, relationship repair, and long-term compatibility. She is […]

gray divorce

There’s a rise in gray divorce, divorce after 50. Why? Tune into this episode with Dr. Dana McNeil to find out!

Why is there a rise in gray divorce? Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed couples therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in emotional safety, relationship repair, and long-term compatibility. She is the founder of The Relationship Place and Therapy Getaway, where she provides intensive couples therapy for high-conflict relationships. Dr. McNeil serves on the Advisory Board of MYA and is a national media expert and frequent speaker on modern relationships.

In this episode:

  • Why there’s a rise in gray divorce
  • What erodes in long term marriages that leads to divorce later in life
  • How an empty nest amplifies relational issues
  • The emotional and identity challenges unique to later divorce
  • How to repair a fractured marriage later in life

EP 705: Dr. Dana McNeil – Why Is There a Rise in Gray Divorce Among Couples Over 50?

Highlights of this episode on Gray Divorce

Gray divorce trends & causes

  • Divorce overall down 35% since 2021, but ages 50–64 divorces up 43%.
  • COVID intensified existing relationship stressors by removing external outlets.
  • Common drivers: longer lifespans, financial independence of women, infidelity (20–40% over 50), parenting/“failure to launch,” retirement/financial disagreements, health/sexual changes.
  • Midlife brings identity shifts and grief that impact relationships and willingness to leave.

Relationship breakdown & Gottman framework

  • Gottman’s Four Horsemen that predict relationship failure: defensiveness, criticism, contempt, stonewalling.
  • Repeated presence of those behaviors slowly erodes relationship safety.
  • Repair attempts and bids for connection often get missed or ignored, deepening disconnection.
  • Rebuilding requires renewing friendship, updating “love maps,” shared meaning, and intentional repair work.

Empty nest & adult children co-parenting issues

  • Empty nest can trigger identity, purpose, retirement, and intimacy negotiations.
  • Adult children moving back or being enabled creates new conflict points and can be used as buffers for a dysfunctional marriage.
  • Lack of pre-planned conversations about adult-child expectations can fuel resentments and negative sentiment override.

Dating after divorce — practical guidance

  • Don’t “date potential”: evaluate who a person is now, not who they might become.
  • Prioritize friendship, character, and how someone handles crisis/emotions.
  • Take time after a breakup (often recommended around a year) to grieve and rebuild before serious dating.

Connect With Dr. Dana

Watch this episode on YouTube


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

FREE download: “The Green Light Guide to Dating After 50: How to Show Interest Without Chasing” https://lastfirstdate.com/green-light-guide/

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Break Barriers in Neurodiverse Relationships

How do you break barriers in neurodiverse relationships? Dr. Matt Zakreski helps neurodivergent people have healthier relationships! — Dr. Matt Zakreski, PsyD, is a professional speaker and clinical psychologist who specializes in working with neurodivergent folks. He has spoken more than 400 times on stages and podcasts about supporting neurodivergent people in all walks of […]

neurodiverse relationships

How do you break barriers in neurodiverse relationships? Dr. Matt Zakreski helps neurodivergent people have healthier relationships!

Dr. Matt Zakreski, PsyD, is a professional speaker and clinical psychologist who specializes in working with neurodivergent folks. He has spoken more than 400 times on stages and podcasts about supporting neurodivergent people in all walks of life. Dr. Matt specializes in taking knowledge of the brain, human behavior, and clinical psychology and making that accessible and practical for people to improve their lives.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • A crash course in neurodiversity and how it impacts dating
  • How to break barriers in neurodiverse relationships
  • The challenges neurodiverse folks face when dating
  • How to navigate conflict and cultivate closeness
  • How to apply brain science to build stronger relationship

EP 656: Dr. Matt Zakreski – Breaking Barriers in Neurodiverse Relationships

What is neurodiversity?

It’s the word for all brains in the world. Neurodivergent brains function in a different way. One in five people are neurodivergent. 80 percent of people are neurotypical. Diversity means there are a lot of differences out there which make up the world. Being different isn’t a deficit.

How did you get involved in this field?

I spent most of my life hearing about what I couldn’t do as a person with ADHD. I can do some things really well, and other things not so well. I work with people of all brains of all ages. I like the 8-28 range of people. I was a child psychologist, and my kids grew up, so I started helping them, too.

How are relationships challenging for autistic, ADHD, and 2E folks?

We’re learning how to identify the different levels of neurodivergent. You can have ADHD and have tics and stim. For people who are neurodivergent, relationships can be challenging because they have sensory issues. Bars and restaurants can be overly stimulating to them. So, they might ask someone to come to their home, which feels unsafe to the person they’re dating. Sensory issues also come up in the bedroom.

How can neurodivergent people address challenges like sensory overload, emotional dysregulation, and miscommunication?

Flirting is an indirect form of communication. Prosody is how we change the meaning of a word based on the delivery. The neurodivergent brain reads it the same way, especially when there’s a nuance. I train them to look at cues, especially non-verbal. Direct eye contact can be uncomfortable for them. We talk about how much eye contact is necessary for connection. Online, it’s hard to have those skills. The neurodivergent person can ask questions to check if they’re reading the room correctly. Socializing is nuanced and complex. Dating requires courageous conversations, which are hard for many of us. Remember that dating should be fun and enjoyable. That’s the goal!

What are some ways to navigate conflict with a neurodiverse partner?

Neurodiverse people can be rigid around rules and justice. Define what rules are spoken and which are unspoken. Communicate clearly with them and don’t expect them to read your mind. Have honest conversations in a kind way. Send gift lists to them so they don’t have to read your mind. How we frame conflict is important. It’s never me vs you. It’s you and me vs the problem. Reframe the problem as something to be solved. Compromise is inherently productive. Ask yourself what a meaningful compromise would look like. Some things can’t be compromised. This is prosocial communication.

What are some tools and strategies for building emotional and physical connections?

First, no emotion is good or bad. You have a right to be disappointed if someone doesn’t want to be with you. It’s important to learn the language around that. The more aware we are about our emotions, we can be curious, not furious. When you’re curious, you can say,, “Tell me more, help me understand.” That will help you be more empathic and understanding. When you find yourself thinking, “I should be…” change it to “I could be…”.

How can we apply brain science to build stronger relationships and lasting connections and go on our last first date?

The goal of life is not to be happy. Happiness is an emotional state, and every emotional state is fleeting. Chasing happiness makes you less happy. The goal of life is to be regulated. The more regulated your body is, the more likely you’ll be to show up as the best version of you. To go on your last first date, take your date to a place where you feel most regulated and will show up as your best. People fall in love with the most authentic version of you.

Connect with Dr. Matt Zakreski

Watch this episode on Youtube


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Heal Trauma in Yourself and Your Relationship

If you don’t heal trauma in yourself, you will carry it into every relationship. Listen to this episode to learn how to begin to heal. — How do you heal trauma in yourself and in your relationship? Tarah and E.J. Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation in Tucson, Arizona, help couples build stronger, healthier connections through […]

heal trauma

If you don’t heal trauma in yourself, you will carry it into every relationship. Listen to this episode to learn how to begin to heal.

How do you heal trauma in yourself and in your relationship? Tarah and E.J. Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation in Tucson, Arizona, help couples build stronger, healthier connections through therapy and online programs. They co-host the Relationship Renovation Podcast and a YouTube channel, sharing actionable tools rooted in intentional communication and empathy to support couples worldwide.  

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Subtle signs that past trauma is influencing someone’s current relationship, even if they feel they’ve ‘moved on’ from it
  • How to define emotional safety in a relationship, and why is it the foundation for lasting connection?
  • A few key tools from your Relationship Renovation Model that couples can use to navigate trauma-related triggers
  • The very first mindset shift to start healing

EP 678: Tarah and E.J. Kerwin – How to Heal Trauma in Yourself and Your Relationship

What are some subtle signs that past trauma is influencing someone’s current relationship, even if they feel they’ve ‘moved on’ from it?

Tarah: For me, it’s an internal sign of walking on eggshells. I don’t trust what’s happening and go into caretaking mode. 

EJ: We hear a lot about trauma today. We’ve all suffered a level of trauma in our lives. It’s really about your nervous system, getting triggered and then dysregulated. It could be a raised voice. When someone’s breath becomes more shallow and it says something got triggered.

You’ve shared that you were once a serial monogamist who struggled to maintain long-term relationships. What was the turning point that helped you break those old patterns?

Tarah: I’ve experienced so much trauma with my twin sister in our family of origin. I was a serial monogamist and thought I was doing great. When I got into a relationship with EJ and had twins right away, I was angry and resentful towards my husband even though I loved him. I said “When I say burnt toast, that’s our code word that means I’m not good for me, you or our kids and need a time out”. I would take some time to calm myself. I would listen to the RAIN technique from Tara Birch’s podcast. It helped me not intensify and re-traumatize. I started to have compassion for how I was so resilient as a little girl. I began to feel all of my feelings.

Can you walk us through a few key tools from your Relationship Renovation Model that couples can use to navigate trauma-related triggers?

EJ: If you look at the trigger, which is just stimulus, and then look at your reaction, you’ve tapped into deep sorrow and sadness. If one person gets triggered, the other person gets triggered and activated. 

Tarah: When a trigger hits, go through your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and ask yourself what does this remind me of? Negative core beliefs are developed early on. You are safe now. Your adult voice comes in to guide you when you’re triggered. Define a safe space for yourself. Go there internally when triggered. That helps you regulate your nervous system.

For individuals or couples who feel stuck in unhealthy cycles, what’s the very first mindset shift they need to make to start healing?

EJ: Look internally. Something is triggering big feelings. What is going on inside? Shift to hold up a mirror to what’s inside instead of blaming the outside. What are you feeling? Bore down deeper and deeper.

Tarah: Even though we had harsh external circumstances, I always loved love. I felt light and love around me, even though I shouldn’t be alive. I think “who is my heart?” instead of listening to my thoughts. I remember my heart and be a source of love and light for others.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Tarah: Get to know yourself and have respect and boundaries for what you’re needing. Have your invisible shit shield that protects you from their stuff so it doesn’t get on you. 

EJ: You want to have your hand on the control of your boundaries, what you will and won’t tolerate. You’ll see if they feel safe and honest. You’re going to be able to modulate whether it feels safe to you. Be nuanced and have boundaries. You’ll meet someone who has attunement and is aware of you and be responsive.

Watch this episode on Youtube

Connect With Tarah and EJ


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How People-Pleasing Is Ruining Your Relationships (and your first dates)

People-pleasing is ruining your relationships…and your dates. In this episode, you’ll discover how to stop the disease to please. — Did you know that people-pleasing can ruin your relationships and your dates? Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps women reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — […]

people-pleasing

People-pleasing is ruining your relationships…and your dates. In this episode, you’ll discover how to stop the disease to please.

Did you know that people-pleasing can ruin your relationships and your dates? Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps women reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power. Her work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What makes her body of work, Erotic Wholeness, different from many people’s ideas about sex, intimacy and relationship coaching
  • How people-pleasing shows up in intimate relationships, including in the dating process, and why it’s so problematic
  • Some ways to unwind these patterns
  • Examples of how clients have transformed from people-pleasing in the bedroom to having authentic, satisfying sex lives
  • How to bring this topic into a conversation with your partner

EP 683: Darshana Avila – How People-Pleasing Is Ruining Your Relationships (and your first dates)

What makes your body of work, Erotic Wholeness, different from many people’s ideas about sex, intimacy and relationship coaching?

Eroticism is life force energy, not specific to sexuality. Activism, passions, all of that flows into our eroticism. Culturally, we have shame and stigma around sex. That affects our vitality. There’s a broader conversation to be had around our life energy. Google “Uses of the Erotic” to understand this approach better. The wholeness piece is that we are fundamentally whole. Our healing journey integrates those fragments.

How does people-pleasing show up in intimate relationships, including in the dating process, and why is it so problematic?

People pleasing is cultural conditioning. Especially for women who learn that our value and safety are rooted in pleasing others. If you don’t rock the boat and are pleasant, that’s the direct root to a life well-lived. This is a survival tactic. It’s how we got love as children. We grow up having this further ingrained in our dating and love lives. We want to be liked and loved, especially if we’re coming from a place of lack.

What are some ways that people can begin to unwind these patterns?

After a date, instead of asking, “Do they like me?”, ask yourself, “Do I like them?” and “Do I like me in relation to them?” Many of us don’t know what safety feels like in our bodies. The work has to begin with your body, which is incredibly wise. We have threat responses. People pleasing is fawning, which is a way humans respond to threat. When we’re connected to our bodies, we feel yes or no in our bodies. Cultivate a better relationship with your body’s signals about how you’re feeling around your dates. 

Can you share an example of how your clients have transformed from people-pleasing in the bedroom to having authentic, satisfying sex lives?

Esther was in a long term marriage with three kids, and she had many sexual challenges in her marriage. She recognized through our work that she was queer and needed a different quality of sex. As a couple, they worked together to experiment sexually. Eventually, they split, and she’s a “they” now and is deeply enamored in a new authentic relationship. She went from people pleasing and performing to finding her authentic self.

If someone listening wants to know how to bring this topic into a conversation with their partner, what would you suggest?

The first rule in sex and intimacy is to not have the conversation during sex. It’s best in a moment of neutrality. Make sure no one is hungry, angry, or tired before the conversation. You also want consent – buy in – when they’re open to the conversation. “I’d love to have a conversation about our sex life and intimacy. Are you open to that?” If someone stonehalls or gaslights you, that’s a red flag. Don’t come in with complaints. Come in with constructive suggestions. Example: You don’t love the pace of the sex. You want something softer and slower. So instead of complaining, say “I know both of us want to have a thriving physical connection. I noticed our paces seem to be off. Can we talk about how to get more aligned (or show you).” Check out Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x2jAm3HxHM

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

It’s not a personal failing if you feel like you’re a people-pleaser and haven’t found your last first date yet. It’s a choice you get to make to unwind this. Access whatever love for yourself you can muster to get to know and love yourself more. Only you can make that choice.

Connect with Darshana

Free gift: Galgasm! is a free online community hub with a classroom full of resources, ranging from embodiment practices to masturbation guidance to masterclass recordings – skool.com/galgasm

Watch on YouTube


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

The Role of the Nervous System in Healing Painful Relationships

A healthy nervous system = healthy relationships. Tune into this podcast episode about how to regulate your nervous system. — What is the role of the nervous system in healing painful relationships? My podcast, Esin Pinarli, has the answers! She is a holistic psychotherapist and relationship expert specializing in IMAGO therapy, brainspotting, Internal Family Systems […]

nervous system

A healthy nervous system = healthy relationships. Tune into this podcast episode about how to regulate your nervous system.

What is the role of the nervous system in healing painful relationships? My podcast, Esin Pinarli, has the answers! She is a holistic psychotherapist and relationship expert specializing in IMAGO therapy, brainspotting, Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic practices, and psychodrama. Through an integrative experiential approach, she helps individuals and couples suffering from anxiety, depression, addiction, codependency, trauma, and relational attachment issues to navigate life’s challenges so they can become fully alive, supported, and whole. 

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • How our nervous system influences our emotional responses in relationships
  • The relationship between our attachment wounds and our nervous system
  • How stress in relationships impacts our nervous systems
  • Practical exercises for calming the nervous system when triggered

EP 639: Esin Pinarli – The Role of the Nervous System in Healing Painful Relationships

How does our nervous system directly influence our emotional responses in relationships, especially when it comes to conflict and tension?

Everything comes down to our nervous system. It influences how we relate and connect to other people. Neuroception is our surveillance system in our bodies. It helps us decide if it’s safe or unsafe. Understanding our nervous system is crucial in dating.

What are some common ways attachment wounds show up in our nervous systems, and how can awareness of these responses help individuals begin to heal?

The first people we attach to are our caregivers, so depending on how we attached to them, that will show up in our romantic relationships. Our core wounds get activated. If you’re anxiously attached, you’ll be hypervigilant and untrusting of your partners. People are not safe to you. We ask ourselves, are we lovable? Are we enough? Do we expect our partners to give us everything we didn’t get as children? We tend to pick partners who remind us of our unpredictable caregiver. 

Many people may not realize how stress in relationships impacts their nervous system. Could you share some early signs to look out for that indicate the nervous system is in distress?

We feel things in our nervous system first. It signals disconnection. Our brain makes up a story about what happened, because we’re meaning makers. We gaslight ourselves by making excuses for someone’s bad behavior. 

What are some practical tools or exercises you recommend for calming down during relationship triggers?

We need to move into the ventral state – socially engaged, calmer, grounded. How do we get back to our core self and stay more regulated to make better decisions and choices? 

A good exercise to regulate your nervous system: Look at glimmers, micro moments of ventral. Ask yourself what felt good and connected today? Did I walk in nature? Did I see a beautiful flower? Did I have a connected moment with a friend? Savour the glimmers: Take the micro moments of ventral which are are everywhere once we start to look for them and are calmer, and savour them for 30 seconds. Also, humming helps you get to ventral. 

How do you approach helping clients retrain their nervous systems to create more secure, healthy relationships over time?

Pause and get curious about the patterns you engage in, especially in dating. Pull back the curtain to your internal world. Your nervous system will always seek the familiar. We need to change the way we respond and who we choose to partner with. Look for consistent, communicative, interested partners. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

I want everyone to go on their last first date. Work on your nervous system with a coach or therapist and befriend your nervous system so you can make healthier choices. Get out of subconscious autopilot so you can say no to what doesn’t work and make room for the right person. 

Watch this episode on Youtube

Connect with Esin

  • Website https://www.eternalwellnesscounseling.com/ Free Guide on Homepage: Becoming Aware of Self—An introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help you access the core of who you are and build more self-awareness for inner healing and harmony

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

One Big Mistake That Ruins Relationships (and How to Fix It)

What’s a mistake couples make that ruins relationships, and how can we repair it? That’s what Zach Brittle is sharing on this episode! — What’s the one big mistake that ruins relationships and how can we fix it? Zach Brittle  is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, and Relational Life Therapist with nearly […]

ruins relationships

What’s a mistake couples make that ruins relationships, and how can we repair it? That’s what Zach Brittle is sharing on this episode!

What’s the one big mistake that ruins relationships and how can we fix it? Zach Brittle  is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, and Relational Life Therapist with nearly 20 years of experience. He hosts Marriage Therapy Radio and authored The Relationship Alphabet and The Marriage Therapy Journal. Zach lives in Seattle with his wife Rebecca and their two adult daughters.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • What’s NSO and how might it show up early on in dating?
  • What’s emotional neutrality, and how does it affect relationships?
  • How to recognize subtle forms of contempt early on
  • What singles can do to build connection, intimacy, and curiosity 
  • How to recognize if you’re stuck in a negative cycle with a new partner

One Big Mistake That Ruins Relationships and How to Fix It

What is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), and how might it quietly show up in any stage of dating?

This is a term that John Gottman came up with. One of the things couples who divorce have in common is the Negative Sentiment Override. When you’re in NSO, things are harder. There’s a drive to raise your score and improve your relationship. Early in a relationship, it’s pretty rare. If you have more negative than positive, you leave. 

If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are present and not being offset by gratitude, generosity, and affection, relationships can fail. Early on, we might call these red flags to look out for.

You say that emotional neutrality is the first step out of NSO. What do you mean by that?

Both people need to want to change the pattern that’s not working in the relationship. Learn how to identify and change the pattern. Once you realize the pattern, you can interrupt it. You have three choices when in conflict in relationships: stay neutral and take a pause, make it worse, or make it better. Emotional neutrality is really helpful when you’re flooded and need a break. Think about what you want to happen. Then choose to make the relationship better.

Contempt can quietly destroy relationships, and you say it also fuels NSO. How can someone recognize subtle forms of contempt in themselves or in others in long-term relationships or when dating?

Contempt can show up early on in a relationship as “I’m better than you”, which leaves no room for intimacy. You can’t expect things to be healthy when you’re in contempt of one another. Be on the lookout for signs from yourself and your partner. To get out of contempt, look for the best in your partner, not the worst.

Make up that your partner is amazing, and they look great, and you’re so proud of them, and they add value to your life. This increases intimacy and decreases contempt. Let your partner know you have their back and care about them.

What are some things singles or dating partners can use to build connection, intimacy, and curiosity early on?

When dating, embrace the parts of you that you’re proud of and the parts that you lack, and get curious about the other person and what they have that you don’t when you’re dating. Be the best partner instead of just looking for the best partner.

How can someone tell if they’re stuck in a negative cycle with a new partner, or if they’re just being cautious from past hurt?

Evaluate why you act a certain way. Assess whether it’s you, them, or the two of you together. If your response is outsized, evaluate why that is. Share that information with your partner when you’re dating. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Prioritize curiosity, and see if this is a relationship where you both can learn.

Connect with Zach

Watch this episode on YouTube


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Using ACTive Communication in Dating and Relationships

If you struggle with communication in dating, this episode is for you. Christopher Peck shares actionable tools for speaking up early on. — How’s your communication in dating and relationships? Christopher Peck, M.F.A., has trained thousands of actors, storytellers, business professionals, and public speakers to bridge intention and impact using theatre tools and techniques. With […]

communication in dating

If you struggle with communication in dating, this episode is for you. Christopher Peck shares actionable tools for speaking up early on.

How’s your communication in dating and relationships? Christopher Peck, M.F.A., has trained thousands of actors, storytellers, business professionals, and public speakers to bridge intention and impact using theatre tools and techniques. With over twenty-five years of experience in acting, writing, and directing, he focuses on communication as the key to influence and success. Christopher lives in Denver, CO with his wife, son, and rescue dog, Presley.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • How ACTive Communication applies to dating and relationships 
  • Techniques to improve daily communication
  • Tips for showing up authentically on a first date
  • How to prepare mentally and emotionally for a first date 
  • How  to make a great first impression
  • How nervousness or anxiety impact communication on a first date, and what can be done to mitigate it
  • Some non-verbal cues to be mindful of during a first date 

EP 640: Christopher Peck – Using ACTive Communication in Dating and Relationships

Can you share the main inspiration behind writing ACTive Communication? 

ACTive is a nod to my theater background. The inspiration was being around theater performers who were great at storytelling and performing and taking that influence to individuals in business and their personal lives. I view communication as an action that’s observable by our audience. We make choices that influence our audiences.

What are some of the core issues in communication?

We often communicate in the way that others have mentored and communicated with us. We utilize the models we learned to communicate with others. Were you able to process your day as a child with caregivers who heard you and supported you?

What are some of the communication techniques you share in your book, and how can we start to practice these techniques in dating? 

If someone doesn’t ask questions after you’ve been asking questions, make sure you’re asking open-ended questions that allow people to open up more. Get curious about their answers. Ask where, what, how questions. 

What are some tips for showing up authentically on a first date? 

Know your boundaries, especially if you’re not getting anything from the other person. Ask a question like, “Are you distracted?” Use disruptive language and lean into vulnerability. “Is there a favorite question that you like to be asked so we can get to know each other better?”

How can someone prepare themselves mentally and emotionally for a first date? 

Have a ritual for preparing yourself for dates. In theater, it’s called ‘the moment before’. That’s how we prepare for dates. We control the last few moments before walking into dates. What can you do to show up as your favorite version of self? Maybe it’s meditation, music, affirmations, a reading that grounds you…do whatever you need to do to get into a good headspace for the date.

What are some non-verbal cues to be mindful of during a first date? 

Open body language is connecting. It helps you trust more easily and be more trustworthy, especially if you tend to look for red flags. Shoulder to shoulder is a good way to be. Eye contact is important 50% of the time when you’re speaking. 70% of the time when you’re listening. Draw a triangle and look within the triangle. Begin with eye-contact and end with eye-contact. If you’re standing, imagine a fishing line pulling you up to your full height. Elevate your eyes. Smile! If you have resting mad face, think of something that brings you joy or makes you smile. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

First dates are a time to practice, even if there isn’t a great connection. Rehearse challenging conversations. Often the only time we practice is in real time. Who could give you feedback in your life? Practice hard conversations with people where the stakes are a little lower. Ask one or two more questions of the waiter or cashier. 

Connect With Christopher

Watch this episode on Youtube


Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life