Category: Uncategorized

The Rise in Gray Divorce Among Couples Over 50

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There’s a rise in gray divorce, divorce after 50. Why? Tune into this episode with Dr. Dana McNeil to find out! — Why is there a rise in gray divorce? Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed couples therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in emotional safety, relationship repair, and long-term compatibility. She is […]

gray divorce

There’s a rise in gray divorce, divorce after 50. Why? Tune into this episode with Dr. Dana McNeil to find out!

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Why is there a rise in gray divorce? Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed couples therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in emotional safety, relationship repair, and long-term compatibility. She is the founder of The Relationship Place and Therapy Getaway, where she provides intensive couples therapy for high-conflict relationships. Dr. McNeil serves on the Advisory Board of MYA and is a national media expert and frequent speaker on modern relationships.

In this episode:

  • Why there’s a rise in gray divorce
  • What erodes in long term marriages that leads to divorce later in life
  • How an empty nest amplifies relational issues
  • The emotional and identity challenges unique to later divorce
  • How to repair a fractured marriage later in life

EP 705: Dr. Dana McNeil – Why Is There a Rise in Gray Divorce Among Couples Over 50?

Highlights of this episode on Gray Divorce

Gray divorce trends & causes

  • Divorce overall down 35% since 2021, but ages 50–64 divorces up 43%.
  • COVID intensified existing relationship stressors by removing external outlets.
  • Common drivers: longer lifespans, financial independence of women, infidelity (20–40% over 50), parenting/“failure to launch,” retirement/financial disagreements, health/sexual changes.
  • Midlife brings identity shifts and grief that impact relationships and willingness to leave.

Relationship breakdown & Gottman framework

  • Gottman’s Four Horsemen that predict relationship failure: defensiveness, criticism, contempt, stonewalling.
  • Repeated presence of those behaviors slowly erodes relationship safety.
  • Repair attempts and bids for connection often get missed or ignored, deepening disconnection.
  • Rebuilding requires renewing friendship, updating “love maps,” shared meaning, and intentional repair work.

Empty nest & adult children co-parenting issues

  • Empty nest can trigger identity, purpose, retirement, and intimacy negotiations.
  • Adult children moving back or being enabled creates new conflict points and can be used as buffers for a dysfunctional marriage.
  • Lack of pre-planned conversations about adult-child expectations can fuel resentments and negative sentiment override.

Dating after divorce — practical guidance

  • Don’t “date potential”: evaluate who a person is now, not who they might become.
  • Prioritize friendship, character, and how someone handles crisis/emotions.
  • Take time after a breakup (often recommended around a year) to grieve and rebuild before serious dating.

Connect With Dr. Dana

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

FREE download: “The Green Light Guide to Dating After 50: How to Show Interest Without Chasing” https://lastfirstdate.com/green-light-guide/

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Wedding Speech Disasters (and how to avoid them)

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Brian Franklin can help you avoid wedding speech disasters! Listen to the podcast to learn the keys to writing a good wedding speech. — Ever struggle with writing a wedding speech? Dubbed “The Humorist” by the New York Times, Brian Franklin is the Co-Founder of Vows & Speeches, which he founded in mid-2021 with his […]

wedding speech

Brian Franklin can help you avoid wedding speech disasters! Listen to the podcast to learn the keys to writing a good wedding speech.

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Ever struggle with writing a wedding speech? Dubbed “The Humorist” by the New York Times, Brian Franklin is the Co-Founder of Vows & Speeches, which he founded in mid-2021 with his wife and business partner, Nicole Franklin.  Prior to 2023, Brian was the founder and President of an award-winning political consulting firm, where he oversaw messaging, communications (including speechwriting), and advertising for state and federal campaigns nationwide.

In this episode:

  • Why start a business writing wedding speeches?
  • What’s the process? 
  • What’s the right balance of humor vs. sentimentality? 
  • What about people with public speaking anxiety? 
  • Should people memorize, have everything typed out, or use bullets?

EP 661: Brian Franklin – Wedding Speech Disasters (and how to avoid them)

Why did you start a business writing wedding speeches?

I was writing speeches for politicians for a long time. As politics got uglier, I wanted to find other things to do. I was an officiant in a few weddings and some people came to me to help write speeches and vows for them. I enjoyed this new angle, and I’ve been doing it ever since!

What’s the process? 

Writing speeches and vows is similar to the process we take couples through. You have to treat a speech as if people have a tiny attention span. How will an audience drift off? I think about that. I start with an hour long interview to understand every aspect of their relationship. What are the funny and quirky parts? I take all the information and distill what’s funny and what’s interesting and will give insight into what makes this couple unique.

What’s the right balance of humor vs. sentimentality? 

It starts with what the couple wants. If they’re irreverent, they want the wedding to be fun. It’s usually a balance of 7 to 3. Some people are not so funny. Every good relationship has some humor, and it’s my job to find those things and weave them in.

What about people with public speaking anxiety? 

Practice the speech word for word to have muscle memory. Then, you can work on tone, stage presence, and everything else. It will help you stammer less and feel more comfortable at the event.

Should people memorize, have everything typed out, or use bullets?

I discourage bullet points, because this is an emotional event, and it’s a one-off speech that you won’t deliver again. It will also help with timing if you have everything written out.

What are some wedding speech disastors?  

First, speaking too long can be disastrous. People don’t nail the moment. Those speeches are tedious and awful. People don’t always use good judgment when speaking. They drink too much and go on too long. Typically it’s the father of the bride or the best man.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

One consistent thing I’ve seen with all the couples I’ve interviewed was how they felt when they first met. On the first few dates, they talked for hours. Time flew by and they vibed. You may not be in love, but the conversation flows. If that’s there, give it a chance to see if love grows. Because a good relationship is an ongoing conversation. Also, focus on how they resolve conflict. That’s a good indicator of relationship success.

Connect with Brian

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship

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If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating. — Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and […]

hunting for red flags

If you keep hunting for red flags in your relationships, stop! Dr. Isabelle Morley shares insights into the biggest problems with dating.

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Dr. Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist, EFT-certified couples therapist, and author. She writes a blog for Psychology Today and has been featured in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Vox, and more. Dr. Morley also serves on the founding board of the UCAN Foundation and provides couples therapy in the Boston area. We’re talking today about her new book, “They’re Not Gaslighting You”.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why we’re obsessed with words like “narcissist” and “gaslighting” in dating
  • How our relationships are affected by hunting for red flags and other ways we try to diagnose our partners
  • What to say if someone accuses you of having a psychological disorder

EP 666: Dr. Isabelle Morley – How to Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship!

What led to the uptick in therapy-speak, and why are we all obsessed with using clinical terms?

We can blame the internet and social media for the uptick in these terms. People had no idea what borderline personality and boundaries were. Now, everyone has access to this information. People have learned the wrong meaning for these words, and that can be harmful.

What’s the problem with people using therapy terms? Isn’t it good that people are more knowledgeable about things like boundaries and narcissists and hunting for red flags?

People use these terms accusatory and that’s not helpful. You have to make a choice in what you want to do and how you want to behave in relationships.

How are people’s relationships being affected by these clinical terms?

So much of your life can be changed by you instead of accusing others. If you’re encountering the same type of person over and over, ask yourself, what behaviors am I tolerating that I shouldn’t be?

How can people best respond to someone who has accused them of having a psychological disorder or exhibiting abusive behavior when they don’t think it’s justified?

One of the best ways to respond to a psychological term that doesn’t feel justified, is to not get defensive, because they will then reinforce that you are that thing they’re accusing you of. Instead, hear them, acknowledge that they must be really hurt to call you that. Let’s talk about it, because it’s painful and doesn’t help. 

Abusers use these terms to control the narrative. You’re the problem. Look carefully at whether they’re not willing to walk it back. That’s concerning.

How is misused or weaponized therapy-speak getting in the way of dating?

Gaslighting is a word from a movie. If you’ve truly been gaslit, it causes immeasurable damage. There are two major sources of harm: if you look for red flags, you’re going to find them. If you’re looking for narcissists, you’ll find them. You’ll also write off perfectly good partners for no reason. Don’t draw these conclusions without enough data. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

As hard as it is, lead with vulnerability and curiosity. Be open and don’t jump to self-protective labels. People are trying their best. Give yourself and others grace.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect with Isabelle Morley

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

Why Are Men So Scared to Flirt Today?

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Men are too scared to flirt, and this is impacting their mental health. Here’s how men can become more confident in flirting and dating. — Marni Kinrys believes men are too scared to flirt, and it’s leading to a mental health crisis no one is talking about. She’s the founder of The Wing Girl Method, […]

scared to flirt

Men are too scared to flirt, and this is impacting their mental health. Here’s how men can become more confident in flirting and dating.

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Marni Kinrys believes men are too scared to flirt, and it’s leading to a mental health crisis no one is talking about. She’s the founder of The Wing Girl Method, host of the Ask Women Podcast, designer of the F-Formula, and an award-winning female dating coach for men ages 25-85 at every stage of dating and relationships. Marni is known for her blunt, no “fluff” approach and honest insider tips, tools and advice on what women really want vs. what they say they want.

In this episode:

  • Why men today are so scared to flirt
  • The impact on men’s mental health
  • How men can improve self-confidence
  • Why so many men are afraid of rejection

EP 718: Marni Kinrys – Are Men Too Scared to Flirt? The Mental Health Connection No One’s Talking About

Highlights of this episode:

Background & premise of Marni’s work

  • Marni became a “winggirl” after helping people connect at a singles mixer; built a coaching business from early grassroots demand.
  • Wing Girl Method offers programs to teach men how to understand women and attract partners authentically.
  • New podcast: Turn Her On — female perspectives and practical guidance for men on attraction and flirting.
  • Core philosophy: dispel myths about what women want and teach practical steps for connection and attraction.

Flirting, dating dynamics & mental health

  • Common male myths: “She’s out of my league,” “Don’t bother/respect means don’t approach,” and underestimating their own value.
  • Key dating skills: be playful/flirtatious, share personal passions (emotion over data), ask engaging questions, and conversation threading.
  • Flirting fundamentals: light teasing, playful challenges, eye contact, appropriate touch, and showing passion — about 60% connection / 40% flirt early, shifting later.
  • Authenticity and follow-through build trust: say what you mean, keep commitments (e.g., texting expectations), be honest about dating status and intentions.
  • Harm of failing to flirt: confusion, loneliness, anger, blaming others, and worsening mental health when men feel they “did everything right” but get no romantic progress.
  • Shame and socialization: men often taught to hide emotions; younger generations are receiving more emotional education and show increased emotional expressiveness.
  • Balance and boundaries: avoid love-bombing or manipulative breadcrumbing; distinguish charming/assertive from aggressive/narcissistic behavior.
  • Practical dating advice: broaden “type” through experimentation; treat dating as exploration and inventory of preferences.

Communication tips & closing guidance

  • Be direct: ask for what you want (dates, texts, exclusivity level) clearly and honestly.
  • Women can give clearer cues: provide “green lights” and avoid over-reliance on subtle hints.
  • Feminine initiation: women can initiate in gentle, confident ways (e.g., ask for his number or say “I’m flirting with you”).
  • Final advice for a “last first date”: speak up about desires; asking increases the chance of getting what you want.

Watch this episode on YouTube here:

Connect With Marni:

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Send me your dating dilemmas to be featured in an upcoming episode: https://tinyurl.com/datingdilemma

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, apply for a complimentary 30-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How to Trust Again After Betrayal

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How do you trust again after betrayal? Listen to this episode of Last First Date Radio and hear me coach a woman after a breakup. — Karen is a fifty-nine year old divorced woman who wants to know how to trust again after betrayal. She was in a four-year passionate relationship that recently ended when […]

trust again after betrayal

How do you trust again after betrayal? Listen to this episode of Last First Date Radio and hear me coach a woman after a breakup.

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Karen is a fifty-nine year old divorced woman who wants to know how to trust again after betrayal. She was in a four-year passionate relationship that recently ended when he decided he wanted to work away six months of the year. They got back together briefly earlier this year, but the feelings were gone.  He also revealed that he slept with an ex and had lied about it, so the trust was also broken.

Six months have passed, and she feels ready to date again. She’s on a few apps and finding there are very few men she finds attractive in her age range. She wants to know where to find her last first date. Listen to the podcast to find out…

EP 638: Coaching Session with Karen – How to Trust Again After Betrayal

Highlights of this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Why she took her boyfriend back after breaking up
  • Why she ended things in the first place
  • Some red flags she ignored from the start (he was married twice and cheated both times, he left because his wife didn’t want to go on a sailing adventure, he lied about having herpes)
  • She ignored the red flags because she was in a highly emotional state when she met him and needed the connection and attention
  • He reminds her of her birth mother who gave birth at 21 and was married to someone who wasn’t her father and was in prison at the time, so she gave her up for adoption. The similarities between the two of them are the ability to leave her and putting her needs first.
  • Both of her marriages ended because she ignored the red flags from the beginning.
  • Homework I gave Karen:
    • Ask a lot of questions upfront when you’re dating to assess if someone has your must haves and no deal breakers
    • Don’t excuse the inexcusable 
    • Assess availability right away by asking the right questions
    • Know that you can’t change people
    • Open your preferences to date people who live further away so you have more options of English speaking men who share your language and culture
    • Delay sex so you can think clearly when you’re dating

Watch this episode on YouTube

Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you dated? How did you learn to trust again? Please leave a comment and let me know!

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

An Empowering Guide to Perimenopause and Menopause

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Learn how to manage perimenopause and menopause with my podcast guest, Lauren A Tetenbaum. Tune in to discover valuable tips. — How do you understand and gain control of your body and mental health during perimenopause and menopause? My podcast guest, Lauren A. Tetenbaum (AKA “The CounseLaur”) wrote the book on this topic. She is […]

perimenopause and menopause

Learn how to manage perimenopause and menopause with my podcast guest, Lauren A Tetenbaum. Tune in to discover valuable tips.

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How do you understand and gain control of your body and mental health during perimenopause and menopause? My podcast guest, Lauren A. Tetenbaum (AKA “The CounseLaur”) wrote the book on this topic. She is a millennial mother of two, a writer, a social worker specializing in supporting women through life transitions, and a former lawyer passionate about advocating for women. Through her counseling practice, Lauren helps empower postpartum and other women in corporate settings, provides clinical therapy to individuals and couples in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Florida, and frequently speaks on podcasts and at events about topics like maternal mental health, gender equity, working parenthood, and women’s reproductive health. Millennial Menopause is her first book.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • How menopause impacts women’s mental health
  • How women can reclaim sexual connection after menopause
  • What men should know about menopause
  • What women can do to advocate for themselves when it comes to menopause

EP 688: Lauren A. Tetenbaum – An Empowering Guide to Perimenopause and Menopause

What inspired your interest in the field of women’s health?

I’ve always been passionate about supporting women, from the time I was a kid. I graduated college thinking I’d be a lawyer to advocate for women’s rights. I graduated as a JD and social worker. I became a mom, COVID happened, and we were struggling. 

How does menopause impact women’s mental health?

There can be mood swings, depression, not feeling like yourself. The health care system doesn’t always realize it’s because the hormones are fluctuating. It’s a different flavor of anxiety. If women have had a previous episode of hormone related depression before, they’re more likely to suffer depression during perimenopause and menopause. It takes a big toll.

What should men know about perimenopause and menopause?

They should know the basics about menopause and perimenopause. Men are impacted by menopause. The most important thing is to be compassionate and curious. How are you, and how can I help you?

What can women do to advocate for themselves when it comes to menopause?

Millennials are aging and entering perimenopause. I realized I knew nothing about menopause, and I started researching and learned that very few people know early on how to prepare for menopause. I learned more about osteoporosis, mental health, how men are impacted and more. I want to normalize this issue. 

Women have many options when perimenopause begins, including mood changes. Hormone therapy is a safer option and so are lifestyle changes. Know yourself. Write down patterns of symptoms. Reach out to a health care provider that you trust. Explain the changes and how they impact you. Ask what their experience is with menopause care, including perimenopause. Ask what your options are. If they can’t help you, find someone else. 

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

If you’re embarking on a new relationship, menopause can be a new chapter. It can come with challenges. You don’t need to suffer or be alone. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life. Get support and learn how to advocate for your needs.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Connect with Lauren

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How the Alpha Male Mindset Sabotages Relationships

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How is the alpha male mindset sabotaging dating and relationships? Listen to Dave Rossi, a recovering alpha male who remarried after changing how he approached dating. — Dave Rossi is the author of Alphas Die Early: For the Man on a Mission—And the Women Who Love Him and the #1 bestselling book The Imperative Habit: […]

alpha male

How is the alpha male mindset sabotaging dating and relationships? Listen to Dave Rossi, a recovering alpha male who remarried after changing how he approached dating.

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Dave Rossi is the author of Alphas Die Early: For the Man on a Mission—And the Women Who Love Him and the #1 bestselling book The Imperative Habit: 7 Non-Spiritual Practices Towards Spiritual Behavior – For Happiness, Health, Love, and Success. Dave’s work challenges outdated models of masculinity and success, guiding men to move beyond performance and into authenticity, emotional strength, and purpose. His perspective helps individuals build deeper, more meaningful relationships by aligning how they live with who they truly are.

In this episode:

  • Why the alpha male mindset is sabotaging dating and relationships
  • How to date with more discernment
  • The importance of defining your values and boundaries when dating
  • Why difficult conversations are crucial to intimate relationships

EP 714: Dave Rossi – How the Alpha Male Mindset Sabotages Relationships

Highlights of this episode:

Dating approach & outcomes

  • David applied spiritual principles and clear goals to dating after a 17-year marriage.
  • Primary goal: find a sustainable, serious relationship (not casual dating).
  • Prioritized “friendship first” to test long-term compatibility before romance.
  • Practiced discernment: avoid relationships that felt unsustainable (age, location, lifestyle).
  • Result: remarried at 55 after years of intentional dating and curated selection.

Sovereignty, masculinity, and vulnerability

  • Sovereignty = wholeness; make choices from abundance, not scarcity.
  • “Feathers vs. bird” metaphor: present authentic self (bird), not performative traits (feathers).
  • True vulnerability is strong—possible only from a secure, independent place.
  • Men (and women) should resist cultural scripts/masks and act from internal values.

Friendship, curiosity, and communication

  • Friendship defined by curiosity, safety, and consistent effort—not just chemistry or attraction.
  • Ask deeper questions; listen for genuine engagement versus performative responses.
  • Have difficult conversations: plan timing/context, be clear, kind, direct, and accountable.
  • Address boundaries early; mutual effort reduces resentment and builds sustainability.

Parenting & boundary strategies

  • Prioritize presence, time, and consistent values with children over material provision.
  • Reduce toxic interactions by minimizing unnecessary triggers (practical adjustments after divorce).
  • Teach children to set boundaries and speak up; model accountability and respectful communication.

Watch this episode on YouTube here:

Connect With Dave:

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Send me your dating dilemmas to be featured in an upcoming episode: https://tinyurl.com/datingdilemma

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

How She Went From Purity Culture to Polyamory

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She went from purity culture to polyamory, and her husband stayed monogamous. Find out more on this episode of Last First Date Radio! — What happens when you go from purity culture to polyamory? My guest, Courtney Boyer, became polyamorous while her husband stayed monogamous. She is a relationship coach, writer, and speaker focused on […]

polyamory

She went from purity culture to polyamory, and her husband stayed monogamous. Find out more on this episode of Last First Date Radio!

—

What happens when you go from purity culture to polyamory? My guest, Courtney Boyer, became polyamorous while her husband stayed monogamous. She is a relationship coach, writer, and speaker focused on love, desire, and authenticity. A former therapist, she blends mental health and sex-therapy expertise to help women release shame, reclaim their voices, and build honest, autonomous relationships. She lives in Germany with her husband and three children, endlessly learning and writing her next chapter.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • The beliefs from purity culture that shape our understanding of relationships and sexuality
  • How Courtney realized polyamory felt aligned with who she now was
  • The impact of polyamory on motherhood
  • How to better understand mixed-orientation relationship structures

EP 693: Courtney Boyer – From Purity Culture to Polyamory (While Her Husband Stayed Monogamous)

What were the beliefs and expectations from purity culture that most shaped your early understanding of relationships and sexuality, and how did you start to recognize they didn’t fit you anymore?

Purity culture is a subset of the Evangelical church. Dating is to find a mate. Save yourself for marriage. There are a lot of teachings around modesty and no sex before marriage or you’ll go to hell. We’re taught that men are walking sex sticks. I remember hating my body because it was always causing problems. I needed to cover up my big breasts. 

The wakeup call was when I was researching for my first book, “Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don’t want sex and what we can do about it”, I was studying sexuality and why women feel so disconnected from their bodies. As I did more research, I became enraged at the patriarchy. My marriage was falling apart. My husband had PTSD and resisted change. 

What was the turning point when you realized non-monogamy, or specifically polyamory, felt aligned with who you are?

On our 17th wedding anniversary, our marriage was suffering, so I asked my husband if he wanted a threesome, and he said “what’s wrong with you, why would you ask that?”. So I then suggested non-monogamy, not polyamory. He said no. But after 6 months, he agreed, and I became non-monogamous and eventually polyamorous.

How did you and your husband navigate the emotional, practical, and ethical conversations around you becoming polyamorous while he chose to remain monogamous?

He was more liberal growing up than I was. It was an identity crisis for me, and I got help for myself and my marriage. It was a huge shift. My coach helped me come home to my body, because purity culture screwed me up. We then got a wonderful therapist who helped us communicate and understand our triggers.

How has this journey impacted your motherhood?

The first year, we kept it from them. I was still ashamed of who I was. I wanted to be “normal” and was afraid of what others would think. My oldest daughter thought I was having an affair and confronted me. I came out to her and the others, and they were so supportive. That’s been so healing for me. I’m more intentional as a mom.

How has this journey transformed the way you think about love, commitment, autonomy, and partnership, and what do you wish people understood about mixed-orientation relationship structures like yours?

I learned that you can create a beautiful life on your terms. I think of it like every person is a quartz crystal. When the light hits a quartz crystal, each facet is a different way of living and loving, which opens you up so much. It requires a lot of intention to live a lifestyle like this.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

Believe that you are deserving of your last first date if that’s your heart’s desire.

Connect With Courtney

Social media and website: https://linktr.ee/coachcourtneyboyer 

Watch this episode on YouTube

Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.

Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching 

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love and Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life

What Can You Do When Your Libidos Don’t Match?

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You and your partner’s libidos don’t match. What can you do? Sex Therapist, Susan Morgan Taylor, has valuable tips. — When your libidos don’t match, who do you call? Susan Morgan Taylor! She is a leading somatic sex therapist who helps couples deepen their intimacy and create lasting, fulfilling connections. With over 25 years of […]

libidos don't match

You and your partner’s libidos don’t match. What can you do? Sex Therapist, Susan Morgan Taylor, has valuable tips.

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When your libidos don’t match, who do you call? Susan Morgan Taylor! She is a leading somatic sex therapist who helps couples deepen their intimacy and create lasting, fulfilling connections. With over 25 years of experience in somatic healing, she developed The Pleasure Keys Process™, a powerful approach to reigniting sexual and emotional harmony in relationships. After a personal awakening from a sexless marriage, Susan became passionate about helping others remove obstacles to pleasure, love, and orgasm. She is also the creator of the Pleasure Keys Retreats and host of the Sex Talk Café Podcast. When not working, she enjoys hiking and singing karaoke in the mountains of Western North Carolina.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • The #1 obstacle to pleasure and how to overcome it
  • Why low sex drive in women is a myth and how we can rewrite the narrative on women’s sexuality
  • What is somatic sex therapy and how is it different from traditional talk therapy?
  • The most effective way for couples to resolve differences in sex drive
  • Why focusing on climax as the “goal” of sex can detract from reaching one’s orgasmic potential
  • How couples can get what they want without sacrificing their needs or desires just to please the other person

EP 641: Susan Morgan Taylor – What to Do When Your Libidos Don’t Match

What’s the #1 obstacle to pleasure and how can it be overcome?

We store and trap a lot of pain in our bodies. That can be an obstacle to pleasure. When we learn to remove those obstacles, we can experience full pleasure. We need to trust our bodies and our partners to fully let go. 

When we shut down anger and pain, we also shut down full pleasure. We need to tap into what we’re feeling in our bodies. Trust whatever feeling comes up. Let anger, grief and sadness flow out of your hurt. Then, you’ll have more sensation. When there’s clarity, there’s trust. Then we need to communicate what we want and need. Practice the three N’s: Notice, name it, negotiate the experience.

Why is low sex drive in women a myth and how can we rewrite the narrative on women’s sexuality?

There’s a myth that women don’t enjoy or want sex as much as men. Often the female partner is labeled as having a low sex drive. She doesn’t need to amp it up or have him tamp his desire down. We are wired differently as far as how we’re turned on. Some people are turned on by direct touch and some need more teasing and spaciousness. There’s a lack of clarity. So practice the three N’s: notice, name, and negotiate the differences. We need to change the conversation around high or low libido. Know what you need and want and communicate that to your partner.

Why might focusing on climax as the “goal” of sex actually detract from reaching one’s orgasmic potential?

If we remove the goal of climax in sex, we can reach more pleasurable sex. We can also reach orgasm in many other ways besides climaxing. Being orgasmic is the ability to feel deeply and respond to pleasure and stimulus. What if you didn’t ‘finish’? What if you just experienced what was possible when you’re no longer focusing on the end goal. Feel whatever you’re feeling in the present moment.

What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?

As someone who took a while to find my person, I understand the frustration. It’s important to identify your values and bring them to every relationship and date. It will weed out the wrong ones and attract someone who meets that.

Watch this episode on YouTube

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Over-functioning in Your Relationships: How to Stop Before You Lose Yourself

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Do you have a pattern of over-functioning in your relationships? Do your partners under-function? Let’s break this pattern now! Debbie came to a session excited and a little unsettled. She had been dating Alan for a few months, and everything about him felt different from what she was used to. He texted back. He made […]

overfunctioning

Do you have a pattern of over-functioning in your relationships? Do your partners under-function? Let’s break this pattern now!

Debbie came to a session excited and a little unsettled. She had been dating Alan for a few months, and everything about him felt different from what she was used to. He texted back. He made plans. When he said or did something that landed wrong, he apologized and corrected course without being asked twice or getting defensive.

That should have felt like relief. Instead, it felt unfamiliar enough to make her a little nervous.

Debbie’s last long-term relationship was with a man I’ll call Richard. She did most of the emotional heavy lifting in that relationship: she planned, reached out first, smoothed things over, and read his moods so she could adjust hers. 

Over time, that became her definition of what it takes to keep a relationship together…until she broke up with him. So when her new boyfriend started initiating dates and planning ahead on his own, part of her was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and another part was uncomfortable with him initiating everything.  She was ready to start managing things the way she always had, but she didn’t want to go there.

This is one of the most common places I see clients get stuck. They finally meet someone secure, and their nervous system, trained by an old relationship, doesn’t know what to do with the calm. 

Here is what we worked on, and what I want to offer you if you see yourself in Debbie’s story.

Five Ways to Change Over-functioning Patterns

1. Name your relationship history briefly so he understands where you’re coming from

When Debbie felt the pull to over-function, we built a short script for her to share with Alan. Something like: “My last relationship was pretty one-sided, and I get anxious now if I don’t hear from you for a stretch. It would help if we could check in most days.” A brief nod to the past, a clear description of the trigger, and a specific ask for the present. No lengthy backstory required, and no responsibility handed over to him for managing her feelings. Just enough information for Alan to understand and respond.

2. Lead with appreciation before you name the challenge

Debbie loved that Alan called her most nights, and she also wanted more advance planning for actual dates. Rather than leading with the ask, we practiced leading with what already felt good: “I love our nightly calls. It would mean a lot if you could plan a weekday date when we’re both free. It helps me stay out of my old habit of doing all the planning myself.” Recognizing what a partner already does well tends to invite more of it, and it keeps the conversation feeling like a partnership instead of a complaint.

3. Practice checking in with yourself when triggered

When Debbie noticed herself spinning about a delayed text or a quiet evening, we used a simple set of questions to slow the spiral: Is this thought completely true? Do I actually know it for certain? Who do I become when I believe it? Who would I be without it? That last question matters most. Most of the time, the person she became when she believed the worst was anxious, guarded, and quick to over-function. The person she was without that belief could relax more and trust her instincts and not her fears.

4. Prepare short scripts ahead of hard conversations

Over-functioners tend to either avoid a conversation entirely or over-explain once they finally have it. We wrote out a few lines in advance for the conversations Debbie knew were coming, so she had language ready instead of scrambling in the moment. A prepared sentence or two is usually enough. The fewer the words, the better the chance that you’ll be heard.

5. If you want him to plan, state your availability and a simple request

Instead of offering to plan around Alan’s schedule the way she always had with Richard, Debbie started to say things like, “Any day but Monday works for me, I’d love for you to pick something for us to do.” That small handoff did two things. It gave Alan room to show up the way he wanted to, and it gave Debbie practice trusting someone else to carry part of the load.

The Bigger Shift From Over-functioning to More Equitable Relationships

The thread that runs though all of these strategies is one idea I come back to again and again with clients: you can be strong and independent and also sometimes anxious in your romantic relationships, especially at the beginning. The big shift is being willing to be vulnerable and ask for what you want. That’s not needy. It’s how two people get to know each other so they can meet each other’s needs without having to play games.

Debbie and Alan are still figuring things out, and they still get it wrong sometimes. He sometimes forgets to text back right away. She sometimes slides into old habits or fears before catching herself. 

What changed is how quickly they talk about it and repair. Frequent, honest, small conversations keep things from snowballing into the kind of silent resentment that used to define her relationship with Richard.

If you recognize yourself in Debbie’s story, know that the tendency to over-function in relationships is very common. It’s often just your old nervous system catching up to your new reality. Give it time, give it language, and give yourself credit for doing something different and healthier this time. And remember…It’s never too late to go on your last first date.

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