Jane Garnett traded her so-called perfect life for an authentic one. Listen to her story in this episode of Last First Date Radio. — Jane Garnett is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with nearly 20 years in practice and the author of the memoir, This Time with Feeling (May 2026). Her work focuses on […]
Jane Garnett traded her so-called perfect life for an authentic one. Listen to her story in this episode of Last First Date Radio.
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Jane Garnett is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with nearly 20 years in practice and the author of the memoir, This Time with Feeling (May 2026). Her work focuses on helping people get unstuck, particularly during life transitions where things look “right” on the outside but don’t feel aligned internally.
In this episode:
That moment when you realize you need to let go of the “perfect life” to have an authentic life
Why so many people feel stuck, even when they’ve done everything “right”
How to tell the difference between a phase of discomfort and a life that truly needs to change
Our “inherited scripts” and how they shape the lives and relationships we end up in
EP 715: Jane Garnett – Trading the “Perfect” Life for a Real One
Highlights from this episode
Authenticity & embodiment
Authenticity = felt sense in the body; moments of “yum/peace/connection” indicate being in alignment.
Many people confuse curated appearances (social media, careers, roles) with authentic living.
Authenticity is an ongoing practice of uncovering childhood clues, dreams, and sensory pleasures.
Balance between external expectations and inner truth: aim for “most true” rather than a single right answer.
Mirror work, humor, and self-compassion help reunite with the body and reduce self-judgment.
Relationship choices: resonance vs. responsibility
Decisions about staying or leaving should weigh two metrics: resonance (feels true in the body) and responsibility (willingness to accept consequences).
Leaving isn’t inherently selfish; staying in misery models unhealthy behavior for children.
Growth is ongoing; attracting a new partner often follows personal blossoming but doesn’t guarantee a problem-free relationship.
Rewriting intergenerational narratives and addressing family atmospheres matter more than legal statuses (divorced vs. married).
Practical practices to reconnect and heal
Small daily practices matter: sensory awareness on walks, creative micro-practices (20 minutes of art/writing), and “morning pages.”
Embodiment techniques: body scans, mindful walking, dance, sensory play (touching leaves, smelling flowers).
Rest and regulation: Yoga Nidra recommended for deep restorative rest and resetting when burned out.
Therapeutic tools: attachment-focused EMDR for early-family patterns; mirror work for self-acceptance.
Use micro-experiments to test choices (imagine scenarios in the body to see “yes” vs “no”).
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, apply for a complimentary 30-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
What are some communication patterns that make or break a relationship? Tune in to this episode with Julie Nise to learn more. — Let’s talk about communication patterns that make or break a relationship. My podcast guest, Julie Nise, is a Relationship Trainer and Communication Strategist known for her direct, results-oriented approach. She has helped […]
What are some communication patterns that make or break a relationship? Tune in to this episode with Julie Nise to learn more.
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Let’s talk about communication patterns that make or break a relationship. My podcast guest, Julie Nise, is a Relationship Trainer and Communication Strategist known for her direct, results-oriented approach. She has helped over 8,000 individuals and couples through challenges in communication, trust, and leadership. She has appeared on the Dr. Phil Show multiple times, and she’s a regular commentator on NewsRadio KTRH in Houston.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
Common communication mistakes couples make
How to strengthen your relationships
How relationship coaching differs from therapy
EP 690: Julie Nise – Communication Patterns That Destroy or Create Connection
What are some of the most common communication mistakes you see couples make, and how can they fix them?
Women and men don’t understand each other. Expectations need to change with couples. We need to learn each other’s communication styles and develop an appreciation for each other’s way of communicating.
Men generally communicate around tasks (watching a game, bowling, doing an activity). Women tend to just talk in general. Men should not assume women want them to fix things. Women should not assume men want to hear long stories. State at the outset what you want from each other.
Sorting by distinction and sorting by agreement. Women tend to sort by disagreement first. Men tend to agree first. For women who do that, leave the “yeah buts” at the door. Start with agreement.
Also, there is a pattern of being internal vs external. Come outside your head and notice what’s going on in front of you. Our perceptions are usually widely off. Be lovingly curious.
How does your approach to relationship coaching differ from traditional therapy?
I am outcome oriented. I deal with the present and future to achieve outcomes. I do relationship training to train skills to improve relationships and communication.
What’s one thing people can do today to strengthen their most important relationships?
Be very curious about what your partner says without judgment. Be a good audience. People often miss the point. Be less concerned that your partner is going to leave and more concerned about hurting your partner. Do everything you can to heal your own traumas.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Strive for self-acceptance, calm, flexibility. There will be challenges in relationships. And the more you know yourself, the more you’ll have healthier relationships.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Did you know that pelvic floor issues impact many women over 50? My podcast guest, Sara Reardon will help you get the help you need. — Pelvic floor issues are common but not normal. Help is available so women can take back their bodies, says board-certified pelvic floor physical therapist Dr. Sara Reardon in her […]
Did you know that pelvic floor issues impact many women over 50? My podcast guest, Sara Reardon will help you get the help you need.
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Pelvic floor issues are common but not normal. Help is available so women can take back their bodies, says board-certified pelvic floor physical therapist Dr. Sara Reardon in her new book, FLOORED: A Woman’s Guide to Pelvic Floor Health at Every Age and Stage (pub date June 10, 2025). Dr. Sara has built a robust community online as “The Vagina Whisperer” (664K Instagram followers; 13 Million TikTok Views) teaching women how to prevent as well as overcome pelvic floor issues at every stage of life with simple tips like “squeeze before you sneeze” to more advanced protocols to prepare for childbirth or navigate changes during menopause.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
How Sara became known as “The Vagina Whisperer”
What is the pelvic floor, and what are the common symptoms of pelvic floor dysfunction?
What a woman should do if her doctor tells her her pelvic pain or leakage is essentially a normal part of being a woman, aging, pregnant, postpartum, menopause, etc
Some of the most common pelvic floor problems and what women do to treat them
Top tips any woman can do right now to take care of her pelvic floor
Why there’s a stigma around talking about women’s health “down there”
How pelvic floor problems evolve over time if left untreated
How women’s partners can help them with their pelvic floor pain
What a woman can do if she can’t find a pelvic floor therapist near her
EP 665: Sara Reardon – A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pelvic Floor Issues After 50
I never planned to be an author. People kept saying I should write a book as a resource for women. I got an email from a Harper Collins editor asking me to write the book. I wanted women to feel less alone in every stage of life.
How did you become known as “The Vagina Whisperer”?
I’ve been practicing as a pelvic floor specialist for 18 years. Over the past five or six years, there’s been more awareness on social media. I started sharing information with my girlfriends and patients. So, in 2016, I started my account “The Vagina Whisperer”, because women weren’t getting this important information. I wanted to give them tips and tools to help them understand their bodies and give them relief.
What is the pelvic floor, and what are the common symptoms of pelvic floor dysfunction?
The pelvic floor supports your uterus, ovaries, your bowels, and for women, it affects menstruation and intercourse. If you have issues like urinary leakage, discomfort with bowel movements, or painful sex, it has to do with your pelvic floor.
What should a woman do if her doctor tells her her pelvic pain or leakage is essentially a normal part of being a woman, aging, pregnant, postpartum, menopause, etc?
Find a new doctor if you’re dismissed or minimized. You deserve to be treated with respect.
What are some of your top tips any woman can do right now to take care of her pelvic floor?
If you’re perimenopausal or menopausal, talk to your provider about topical estrogen, learn about the right lubes for more comfortable sex. Make your muscles stronger by knowing the proper way to pee – by letting the stream flow. For bowel movements, use a stool to relax and not strain. Pushing weakens your pelvic floor.
What do you think about the “big vulva” industry that’s booming selling women products like vaginal deodorant?
As we have more awareness of vaginal health, there are a lot of businesses that have released products that are for deodorizing vaginas. This is dangerous. It can put you at a higher risk for infections. If there’s a strong odor, get yourself checked for infections. There is a normal scent to vaginas.
How can women’s partners help them with their pelvic floor pain?
Knowledge is powerful. These are muscles and tissues in our body. If there’s pain, something isn’t right. If you had back pain, you’d tell your partner, too. First, understand where the pain is coming from. Second, ask your partner to help you. Do you need them to do yoga with you before sex? Use a lubricant? Communication is key. You’re not broken. It’s a WE problem, not a YOU problem.
What should a woman do if she can’t find a pelvic floor therapist near her?
You have a lot of options. Go to pelvicrehab.com or pelvicglobal.com or google to find a therapist near you. If you can’t find one, you can also do tele-health to get educated about your pelvic floor. I have an online exercise program. You can also buy my book to learn more.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
The most important work we can do is on ourselves. That’s where you’re going to find the most growth. When my husband and I were getting married, someone asked what I liked about him. A better question is, “do you like who you are when you’re together?”
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Power dynamics and control can change in relationships over time. How can we navigate these changes? Tune in to this episode to find out. — How can couples navigate power dynamics and control in relationships? Bonnie Comfort has been a practicing psychologist for 30 years. She has an MSW from the University of Manitoba and […]
Power dynamics and control can change in relationships over time. How can we navigate these changes? Tune in to this episode to find out.
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How can couples navigate power dynamics and control in relationships? Bonnie Comfort has been a practicing psychologist for 30 years. She has an MSW from the University of Manitoba and a PhD in psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology Los Angeles. As an expert on marital therapy, she has been a guest multiple times on podcasts about marriage and has taken extensive workshops with marital and sex experts.
In this episode:
How to recognize the shift in power dynamics and control in your relationship
How people in non-traditional relationships can design a healthy relationship
How to approach sexual incompatibility in a relationship
What to do if you tend to prioritize your partner’s needs over your own to create a more balanced relationship
How can you overcome sexual insecurities
EP 663: Bonnie Comfort – How to Navigate Power Dynamics and Control in Relationships
Why did you decide to write this memoir and share such private and vulnerable information about your relationship with your late husband, especially as a therapist?
I struggled with the question of how my patients might feel reading it, but I wanted people to know that even psychologists continue to struggle in relationships. There’s a lot about my story that’s valuable in general.
Power dynamics and control can subtly shift in relationships. How can people recognize these changes, and what did you observe in your own marriage?
The shift may come inside of you, as in my marriage, I began to feel more equal to him after idealizing him for so long. I had been in his shadow. It took work for me to stand up and for him to respect who I became. There are so many fights that can come up in relationships, especially when it comes to parenting. Expect the ebb and flow of a relationship.
Sexual incompatibility can be a sensitive topic for couples. How can they approach these conversations constructively? What are signs that an issue can be resolved versus deeper incompatibilities?
It helps to have a sex therapist in the room with you in order to discuss sexual incompatibility. It’s fragile territory. The conversations require tactful honesty. Instead of saying what you don’t like, say what you’d like to try. The most important thing is kind curiosity. “I’m curious how you came to love sex in this way.”
Women are often conditioned to prioritize their partner’s needs over their own. How can they recognize and break free from these patterns to create more balanced relationships?
Be brave about disappointing your partner, and tolerate the disappointment. In a simple way, start tuning into your own needs and working through disappointing others. Own what you want. It’s an important price to pay.
Sexual confidence is a challenge for many women. What advice do you have for overcoming insecurities and embracing empowerment in intimacy?
I had felt defective sexually my whole life, partly because of mainstream media, and partly because of my first experience sexually. I began studying sex and sexual issues. I came across a book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I was stunned to read that only 20 percent of women can orgasm through intercourse alone. It’s biological. I learned there was nothing wrong with me. I had faked orgasm with men I was dating, and I felt terrible about it.
Work on letting go of shame, because it keeps you quiet. It takes work to let go of body shame or the feeling that there’s something wrong with you. Use gentle curiosity and discuss what you like and what your partner likes. Experiment and see how it goes. Empathy is the magic bullet that helps a couple get through hard times.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
It varies by age. What you’re looking for changes. Is this person compatible for the stage of life you’re in? Trust your gut and your inner knowing if there’s a definite no or a definite maybe. Learn whether the things that matter most are there. Create your own happiness, too. And know your deal breakers.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
If you’re seeking more satisfaction in your intimate relationship, you’re going to love this episode of Last First Date Radio! — Want to have a more satisfying intimate relationship? My podcast guest, Keeley Rankin is a sex and relationship coach, and she helps individuals and couples shed shame, access pleasure and step into their authentic […]
If you’re seeking more satisfaction in your intimate relationship, you’re going to love this episode of Last First Date Radio!
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Want to have a more satisfying intimate relationship? My podcast guest, Keeley Rankin is a sex and relationship coach, and she helps individuals and couples shed shame, access pleasure and step into their authentic and real erotic selves. She has two online courses, Keeley Sex Class and Premature Ejaculation Training Mastery Course, and she mentors and supervises up-and-coming sex coaches and facilitates workshops for colleagues and the general public.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
Why so many people struggle to have a satisfying sex life
One thing people can do today to make sex more satisfying and fun
How to work through performance anxiety
What couples can do to keep sex feeling fresh
EP 634 : Keeley Rankin – How to Have a More Satisfying Intimate Relationship
Why do so many people struggle to have a satisfying sex life?
It’s really about people’s relationship with pleasure. I ask clients how they have pleasure in the rest of their lives. Many people do things that look like pleasure, like yoga and massages, but the truth is it’s a ‘should’, and it’s not filled with pleasure. Many of us withhold pleasure. When it comes to sex, it can feel like a ‘should’, too.
What is one thing people can do today to make sex more satisfying and fun?
The first step is to acknowledge what’s true. Notice your struggle with pleasure and putting it on the back burner. In my new course, I help people enjoy pleasure more fully. I start with mindset, deconstructing social ideas about pleasure, looking at our history. We need to listen to our bodies. Sex is meant to be fun. Eroticism is adult play.
How do you work through performance anxiety?
Performance anxiety is often related to pressure that it has to look a certain way or it won’t be good or fun. It’s important to talk about it with your partner. As our bodies change and they look different as we age, many people are afraid to be seen by their partner. Communicate before sex about your fears or what the other person can expect. You can ask a partner with performance anxiety, “Is this normal for you?” If they don’t tell the truth, that’s okay. There’s a lot of shame. Create a safe space. Return to play and what is pleasurable.
Is it normal to not want to have sex?
Our eroticism is always shifting and changing. Instead of trying to catch up to how things used to be, accept that our bodies and emotional needs are always shifting. Remain curious and open. Let go of how it’s ‘supposed to be’. Find pleasure in new ways. Learn how to communicate your needs and desires.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Raise your expectations and see the person in front of you.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
How do you reignite desire and emotional connection in midlife and beyond? Tune in to Last First Date Radio to hear Andre Lazarus! — How do you reignite desire and emotional connection in midlife dating and relationships? Andre Lazarus has the answers! He is a Somatic Intimacy Guide and relationship expert featured on the UK […]
How do you reignite desire and emotional connection in midlife and beyond? Tune in to Last First Date Radio to hear Andre Lazarus!
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How do you reignite desire and emotional connection in midlife dating and relationships? Andre Lazarus has the answers! He is a Somatic Intimacy Guide and relationship expert featured on the UK TV series Virgin Island. He helps individuals and couples reconnect with desire, build emotional safety, and communicate openly about intimacy. Through embodied practices rooted in the Somatica® Method, Andre supports people in midlife and beyond to create passionate, secure, and deeply fulfilling relationships.
In this episode:
What is embodied intimacy
How couples in long-term relationships rediscover desire when the spark fades
How to create safety and connection in intimacy
EP 708: Andre Lazarus – How to Reignite Desire and Emotional Connection in Midlife Dating and Relationships
Highlights of this Episode
André’s Background
André Lazarus: intimacy coach, ex-military, moved from security/tech into embodied intimacy work.
Based in Barcelona; has experience with therapeutic intimate practices and tantra-influenced approaches.
Offers online courses and a free resource for embodied loving via his website.
Embodied Intimacy & Coaching Approach
Embodied/somatic intimacy = focusing on bodily sensations over cognitive/goal-oriented sex.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Ladies, if you think you understand men, think again. My podcast guest, Alison Armstrong shares what brings out the best and worst in men! — Alison Armstrong’s exploration of human behavior began in 1991 with a decision to find out what brings out the best and worst in men. This naturally led to studying women’s […]
Ladies, if you think you understand men, think again. My podcast guest, Alison Armstrong shares what brings out the best and worst in men!
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Alison Armstrong’s exploration of human behavior began in 1991 with a decision to find out what brings out the best and worst in men. This naturally led to studying women’s behavior and making vital connections between the two. Alison offers practical, partnership-based alternatives to what we’re instinctively compelled to do. She continues to give millions of people access to more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families and productive organizations.
Communication tools that help men and women connect more deeply
EP 637: Alison Armstrong – What Brings Out the Best and Worst in Men
This conversation was so good, I’m sharing the entire transcript instead of the highlights.
[00:03:19.620] – Sandy
We can talk about a lot of things, but I think that the work that you do, helping women and men understand each other is so crucial. It’s been crucial built in my own life, and it’s been really important to the people that I serve. So first, I want to just get the backstory about what motivated you to study this work and find out what brings out the best and worst in men in particular, which is where you started, right?
[00:03:49.070] – Alison
I have to ask, have you read or listened to the Queens Code?
[00:03:53.450] – Sandy
Yes. That was the first exposure I had to you.
[00:03:57.100] – Alison
That was the first exposure. Okay. So Just because it makes it easier, but for your audience, what happens to Kimberly in that first chapter happened to me. It was my colleague in a seminar, and the leader was talking about relationships, and she raised her hand and launched an attack on men. Why are they wonderful in the beginning? Then turn into these terrible people in the ways that she expressed it. His response to her was to say, Oh, I see. You’re a frog farmer. She tapped her foot and finally said, So what do you mean by that? He said, Some women turn frogs into princes. You, my dear, turn princes into frogs. My life flashed before me. It was February of 1991. I was 30 years old. I was divorced, almost. We were getting divorced. Had a one-and-a-half-year-old son. I thought men were horrible. I thought they didn’t care about what I needed or were actively withholding it, that they couldn’t be trusted, especially a romantic relationship. But the way that I saw my father at the time was very similar. When he said that to her. I was glad. I was glad to find out.
It rang as truth. I was glad to find out that there was something I was doing that was bringing out that worst in men because the alternative was that men were who I thought they were. I so needed them to not be who I thought they were. I wanted to be really married, like a union part got each other’s back, same team, married, not the funny situation I was in. We were barely roommates. I wanted I have a bigger family. That can easily set us on looking for the wonderful man, the exception to the rule, and to find out that maybe it wasn’t the way I thought it was at all. I was ecstatic. I’d been involved in transformation since I was 19 years old, and I knew I could transform myself. I’d been trying to change men, probably since I was 10 years old. With very little success. But I didn’t know where to go because I knew everybody I knew. I was just like my mom. I was just like my friends. I was just like my colleagues. I was just like all the women on television. Then this question popped into my head.
It’s so funny how they pop right here. It might as well be a bubble in a cartoon. The question was, what if men are responding to women? That was the beginning of me finding out if men are responding to women, what are they responding to? And making the correlation between our ways of being and their reaction and our specific behaviors, and their responses. And in the process, also seeing, and this was by observation and then verifying with men, did you do that because of this? Then in the process, also finding out ways that men are not responding to men at all. That it doesn’t matter how much they like you, love you, respect you, admire you, think they need you, want you, crazy about you. They have a saying, A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. They consider to do other than the right thing because of how they feel is dishonorable. No matter that they love you, they got to do the right thing, which one of the beautiful things about them is if they think they can’t give you what you need, it would be dishonorable to stay with you, be dishonorable to pursue you.
It’d be dishonorable to marry you, even though you’re begging or screaming at them to marry you. It would be dishonorable. No, I can’t give you what you need. That was the beginning. That was the beginning of 1991. I honestly, Sandy, thought it would take 2-3 months to learn everything worth knowing about men because I was sure I would have bet my life on that they were shallow, they had no feelings, so it didn’t matter what I did. I couldn’t hurt their feelings. I questioned whether they had souls. I knew absolutely that they were lesser human beings than women. Absolutely, the world would be a better place if people just did what women said.
[00:09:20.050] – Sandy
So that we’d all live on the planet where Wonder Woman comes from?
[00:09:24.630] – Alison
Well, and depending on which Wonder Woman movie you’re watching, that’s a scary planet, too. Yeah, we’re all blessed and cursed with being human because I just keep digging down and digging down. Now I’m at planetary instincts, male and female, to focused and open, to pack and herd, to wait. These behaviors, you find in the pine tree outside my window and to the bacteria that probably made me sick. All the way, Oh, yeah. This is not higher consciousness. This is survival at its most persistent and ugly. Without awareness of that, we’ll keep doing what we’re compelled to do instead of going, Wait, if I’m compelled to do this, it’s probably going to make it worse.
[00:10:34.680] – Sandy
Yeah. And then so many people are struggling, and they’re lonely, and they’re bitter. I grew up in a home where my father was bipolar. So he had a lot of mental health issues, and it made it very difficult to live with him. So I understand my mother’s frustration, but there was so much emasculation going on. And I didn’t realize the messages I had until much, much later, probably when I read the Queen’s Code. But I married a man who turned out to be very similar to my father, and the frustration, but then staying and staying and staying in a relationship that wasn’t working and thinking, Well, that’s all he’s capable of. There is no better match for me. I had a very narrow view view of what love was, what relationships could be, who men were. So I totally get it. I think that so many people see men, so many women see men as harmful as just so many things that they’re not, but they don’t realize their part in it. And I’m giving a workshop tonight on rejection. So one of the women in the group, I gave them an assignment to look at some past rejections and reflect on them.
She was saying what she learned from her last relationship was become friends with a man first, don’t jump into sex, and basically, protect your heart, so just do all these things, and then you won’t get hurt again. And so what would you say to somebody who learned learn lessons like that from a past relationship where they got involved with somebody and they got rejected?
[00:12:36.140] – Alison
I have so many thoughts. First of all, I’m not sure if technically we can be rejected unless someone says, I reject you. A man may have sorted himself out, which I think is why due diligence is so important. My process of due diligence is Listen very closely. Watch for flags. Watch for heebie-jeebies. Watch for niggling haunt. Then even if you love all the words, Now, watch the action because what’s real is going to show up an action that can’t be manufactured. Is it congruent? Are the words and the actions congruent? When they’re incongruent, get out the microscope. What? Wait a second. But allow for maybe, Maybe I didn’t hear you the way that you meant. How I interpreted when you said this was that you said that you would call me Saturday night, I interpreted it as you would call me Saturday night. So sometime in what qualifies as night, I would receive a call from you, and I didn’t. I need you to call me when you say you’re going to call me, or if you can’t call me when you say you’re going to call me, then at least you send a message saying, I’m sorry, I know I said I would call you, and I can’t.
Acknowledge you didn’t do what you said you were going to do. Can you give me that? But so often we just step over. Or we’re just off with the head. I practice three chances. The first is when I ask for what I need. The second was when I follow up and say, I really meant it. The third is, do you want one more chance? Because this is a deal breaker. The fourth is, you didn’t. We’re not going to try to do this. First, the clarity about your boundaries, what you will live with and not live with, what you won’t live without, however you want to say, deal breakers, boundaries, ultimatums, the clarity about that. Then the muscle, practicing, treat every interaction like a workout, no matter how cute he is. Do you speak your truth? No matter how rich he is, do you speak your truth? I call it early and often. Tell someone the truth before you care too much about what they think of it, whatever it is. If they go, Oh, I’m not your person, then say, Thank you. Thanks for telling the truth about that. Because if you’re not my person, then I’m not your person.
That’s the thing I think people miss. They think the one got away. Well, if there was such a thing as the one, how could they have gotten away? How could you… I blew it with the one. Well, if they were the one, how could you blow it? You might have done something and how you behaved, but then how they interact with you about it worked and you were better off for it. I Yeah. I was called terminally honest, and I know I’m annoyingly logical. The reason why I’m saying it, because I really am responding to what you asked, is guard your heart. Guard your heart as a strategy that you might as well have something on your chest. You might as well walk around with a deflector on your chest because everybody can tell, because there’s no love emanating, there’s no receptivity available, which is the fourth most attractive quality in a woman and when men cannot live without. And so what I found, and I had to rediscover this after my husband died five and a half years ago, was what if If A, my heart can’t be broken. What if it can be bruised, battered, squished?
But what if… I won’t say I’m heartbroken. I won’t. I’ll say I’m heart sick, maybe. But what if it can’t be broken? Then what if we know what our boundaries are and we’re loyal to what we need, and we know the moment the boundary needs to come up, and I just discovered this since I was made single, that the more I’ve demonstrated to myself that I’m loyal to my boundaries and that I can instantaneously set and defend them if necessary, now I’m truly receptive. I am not on guard. I’m not on guard because I know if necessary, there are spikes that will come out of the floor instantaneously. I must that. I developed that strength through natural horsemanship, and then singlehood after Greg died. It took a while to build the muscle. We squint. No, this is fine. This is fine. But the more we, eyes wide open, and what I was sharing with you earlier, seeing, Oh, I was squinting. Oh, I so wanted that to be what I wanted it to be, and I was squinting and overlooking and thinking, I’ll deal with that later. All right, that’s on me. Walking around the world open-hearted to every human being, that’s policy.
But it’s not idealistic. It’s trusting myself. I don’t have to trust in the goodness of everybody else. I trust myself. Even when I’m slow in the uptake sometimes because it’s quinting, I return to the trust in myself. There was something, so you said, Guard your heart. Oh, sex is not the problem. And how soon you have sex is not the problem. Number one question on our understanding sex and intimacy panel, the women would ask is when is too soon to have sex for the first time still end up with a commitment, which we think that they’re locked together, right? Yeah. And that is ancient. That is the virgin bride. Protect the virginity of your daughters or no one will marry them. And then you won’t get the dowry or whatever. This won’t work out. They’re going to save the whole family. So protect the virginity. It’s instinctual to withhold sex and be strategic about it. But it’s actually before and after that has us have sex at what could be too soon. One is the effects of sexual chemistry, what I would call too much chemistry, which makes both men and women stupid and reckless.
Procreate is the number one instinct. It trumps protect. We all risk our lives to have sex. We risk our lives, our lifestyles, our Our health, our emotions. It’s what’s driving the sex. My husband was not my type, and I didn’t actually become physically attracted to him until a few months into dating. But we’d had sex, and they’re like, How could you have sex? I’m like, It’s called affection? It’s called a great affection for him. It wasn’t driven by, I got to have you. People think I’m against chemistry. No, chemistry is wonderful. Just last year, I did looking for chemistry and connection because we can cause both. We can choose to have extraordinary chemistry. We can choose to have extraordinary connection. They’re not out of our power. It’s what got you in debate that usually is what causes the trouble. If it’s crazy chemistry that gets you in debate, you’re already cuckoo. You’re already not doing due diligence. You’re already not looking for the long term compatibility that you say you want. Then the effects, depending on how old we are, how much estrogen we have, affects how much oxytocin, any… Let’s see. The written word will cause a release of oxytocin in a woman’s phone.
This is why I tell them to get out of the messaging zone, A-S-A-P. You want to get on the phone, besides which a woman’s voice has the biggest impact on a man. So get on the phone. Then the second thing is it’s the bonding hormone. So especially if we’re still fertile, instinct will tell us to follow that man around until we find out for sure we’re not pregnant. Okay. And then our period starts and we’re like, Like, Eew, I don’t even like that guy. What happened to me? I’ve been in a fog. Yeah, an oxytocin, bonding fog, instinctual. Got together, two different tribes in the full moon, followed him home She was pregnant, got to their house and went, Oh, this is gross. So sex is not the bad guy, and how soon we have sex is not the bad guy. I do, however, think if you can’t talk about sex before you have it, don’t have it. You don’t trust them enough to talk about it. You don’t have enough of your senses and your clarity and understand what you need to talk about it. Talk about it. Frankly, with my sweetheart, love, supporter, now housemate, after three years of living in his backyard, I moved into his house.
We had sex within hours of meeting each other in person for the first time as we planned. It was not accidental. It was planned. But we’d had hours of getting to know each other and even resolving conflicts and doing the erotic blueprints and sharing the results and even questioning, wait, for you to get that result, you would have had to say yes to this category And there’s some things in that category I don’t do. So which ones are you looking for?
[00:24:04.210] – Sandy
I love that. Yes.
[00:24:07.920] – Alison
If you… Yeah, talk about it.
[00:24:11.190] – Sandy
Talk about it. Everything.
[00:24:13.650] – Alison
Well, especially if you know I knew so many men in my age group, right? So I was 58 when I was widowed, and they’re already men in my age group and older. My husband was 11 years older, so I was open to that age group. But so many of them have had an incident of ED, of erectile dysfunction. So many women don’t understand how that old business works as we get older and that they’re not going to be a teenage pop-up. Anything happens, boing, boing, boing. No, there’s no volunteer. I call it the Erection Partnership. I swore it for sex in the first conversation because too many men in my age group had signed off sex because they’d had an incident where they couldn’t perform and they were humiliated. They lost so badly. They were, I’m looking for affection. I’m looking for companionship. I’m looking for enjoyment. We’ll hold each other, but no. They don’t often reveal that before three months into it, and you wonder, why do we still have our clothes on all the time? Or why do we only do these certain things, but nothing else? They don’t reveal it. I pursued that conversation in a way that I was practicing just being safe.
I could be safe because I hadn’t hitched my wagon to this person yet. I hadn’t decided they were the one. I wasn’t protecting anything. If they couldn’t accept things like, My dead husband is still very much part of my life, and he probably picked you. I told Dan that in the first five minutes of our conversation and waited to see and thought in my head, if you’re going to run, run now. And there’s about a half hour, he didn’t run. He was quiet, and I thought he was going to run. And then he said, I can feel him. Nice. Yes, that’s what I thought. Oh, wow. He did still work because my husband is still providing for my family and my friends. He’s a very busy, disincorporated person. But if someone can’t be with that, it wasn’t going to go away. It wasn’t going to change me or change him. What’s unchangeable about you? Or what do you think someone’s going to break up with you over? What have People have broken up with you over? And you know you’re still that person. How about bring it up? And if they’re going to run, run now instead of after you’re in love and bought a house together and have three children, and now they break up with you for the reason that you’re afraid of in the first place that you’d concealed all those years.
So it was within a half an hour, we were talking about sex. Okay, so sex is something you’re looking for? Yeah. Nice.
[00:27:30.560] – Sandy
Nice.
[00:27:31.510] – Alison
Good. Great. We didn’t go more into that one at the time. It’s confirming we’re monogamous people. We have a monogamous lean. We’re committed to the monogamy thing. Okay, good. All right. But it’s just… Yeah, so that thing, the strategy, so much of our… I mean, we have to make conclusions so that we can make strategies, and then our minds search for what validates the strategy, and We can miss the truth. We can miss the truth of the person in front of us.
[00:28:05.090] – Sandy
Yes, for sure. That was a great answer too. I mean, people have faulty thinking, and they take their experiences and they interpret them in a way that keeps them safe, but it doesn’t bring them connection and love. And the funny thing is that when I started my career- I just fell in love with you all over again. Oh, Allison.
[00:28:32.100] – Alison
Yes. They interpret things in a way that makes them feel safe or that they can make themselves safe. But it doesn’t produce the result.
[00:28:42.260] – Sandy
No, it just puts a wall around you. And I got it.
[00:28:45.750] – Alison
Bravo, Sandy.
[00:28:48.000] – Sandy
Before I even understood all of this, I came up with an analogy that I used in my TEDx Talk, which was in 2013. I had just started my career, And this came to me that I had dated a guy who told me that he was like a Tootsie pop, that he was hard on the outside and soft and bushy on the inside. And I had this epiphany that I was that Tootsie Pup. And so it’s like the frog farmer. I was that really tough exterior person because I didn’t really know myself. I didn’t have the boundaries. I didn’t have communication skills. I didn’t have my core values I didn’t know any of that. And so the conclusion I had after every heartbreak was, get tougher. Be that Teflon shield that will make sure that I won’t get hurt. And that’s how I chose my husband. I chose a man who chose me, who loved me, who said he was going to keep me safe, and who was obsessed with me. I was not obsessed with him. I had a lot of questions, but I truly thought he would keep me safe, and that is not what happened.
So the whole analogy of the Tootsie pop was like, Oh, I need to be a different candy bar. So I came up with the heat bar, which is tough on the inside and soft and yielding on the outside.
[00:30:21.440] – Alison
That’s true. Sweet chocolate covering. Yeah. And then the carmely sweetness and then Yeah.
[00:30:35.830] – Sandy
Right. And so when I realized that I had to get really clear, like you said, then you can guard what’s important to you by speaking up early and not letting yourself have that squinty eye look at the person in front of you just because they’re really good-looking and hot and they chose you and maybe they’re younger. And for whatever reason, we end up in bed with these people who then are completely incompatible with us, not having these discussions, not calling people out on their behavior and saying, When you said you were going to call me. I mean, I see this. This is like what’s killing so many people’s lives is accepting crappy behavior, not speaking up, saying they’re confused by the behavior of this person, but never saying it’s not okay This is not working for me. Let’s talk about aging. We just have a few minutes left, but most of my audience is older. You talked about ED before. Are there any other changes that happen as people age that changes how men and women relate to each other?
[00:31:51.630] – Alison
Oh, my gosh. Just a small question.
[00:31:54.780] – Sandy
Just a small question.
[00:31:56.860] – Alison
Okay. Here’s a small answer. The way that estrogen and testosterone configures the brain. Testosterone creates compartmentalization, single focus, and limited number of connections between their verbal centers and everything else. Estrogen creates no compartments, creates diffused awareness, right? Pores in every direction. Perfect, perfect perception for a gatherer who has to wander out in a meadow and simultaneously be scanning for danger while finding anything useful, medicinal, edible, or that will be edible in the future, and how soon do I need to come back and get it before the bears? And and that basically every part of the brain is connected to the verbal centers of the brain. Imagine if we’re like that from day 21 of gestation, when the hormones kick in until we get into our… It’s going to vary, right? But into our 50s, It’s happening in the ’50s, definitely has happened in the ’60s, where the testosterone in men, it has naturally fallen off unless they’re doing bioidenticals, which is a whole other story. The verbal centers are getting set up. The compartmentalization, the walls are coming down. The verbal centers are getting connected to other parts. They can talk about their feelings, their emotions.
Their knowledge pours out of them, sometimes in a really annoying in a way in unsolicited advice that they seem to not be able to not give. Yes, and they start paying attention to connection, and they don’t want to have sex if we’re not in love, if their heart’s not in dear. This is not a performance. Then women, our estrogen has disappeared with the ovum as they dissolved and we have none left. The half of our testosterone that we depended upon from the ovum, that’s gone, too. Now we only have the testosterone from our adrenal glands and the estrogen, little bits of estrogen that our bodies can make or that we might ingest things that support it. I’m I’m not knowledgeable in that, but I know people are. The estrogen is stored in the fat deposits of our body, but in cultures where the idea is to be as skinny as you possibly can, you’re not going to be able to hang on to your estrogen, so your skin is going to get papery and fluids are going to dry up and you’ll be a skinny raisin. Eat fat, lots of good healthy fat, have some cheeks on you.
If someone doesn’t love your curves, that’s their problem because they’re your curves. If you want to know if your body type appeals to somebody, honestly, just take your body type and add the word porn on it and search on Google, and you will find out people pay to look at body curves. Every type of body. Every type of… Men cannot decide what their body type is. They don’t get to choose. It just is what it is. And if they’re made fun of it, they’re made fun of it. But somebody loves you just the way you are. I have a friend who, as her brand new husband, left for deployment, put his arms around her, grabbed a hold of her rear end and said, This could be bigger when I get back. Yeah,. Oh, yeah. So these things are swapping. So as we get older, now the brain configurations We’re swapping and we become more focused. Our children may think we’re ignoring them like my youngest did. I was 36 when she was born and she thought I was ignoring her. No, baby. It’s single focus. I have become I was just making dinner. We have to watch.
We have to watch because even when you get it wired, then we change. I guess just to keep us on our toes, Sandy, nobody gets to see it late. Sexuality changes. Often, I couldn’t wait to be 60 years old because I had so many students in their 60s, and my observation was, Oh, my gosh, they’re unstoppable. I want to be that. I so wanted to be that. I can’t wait to be that. It’s true. I got into a big kerfuffle with Dan about one of my deal breakers. As we got it sorted out, what’s the plan and what’s going to happen, and what’s he going to be accountable for, I said, I love you. He I said, I love you, too. I looked at him and I said, But you don’t like me right now. He wanted to say something different, but he goes, Truth is my second-highest value. So he said, No, I don’t. I checked. I scanned all the way down, all the way up. I was totally fine with that. As a younger woman with a lot of estrogen, that would cause a panic attack. He doesn’t like me. I’m going to die.
If the bear shows up and we have bears, he’s not going to protect me. I’m all right with that. Oh, my gosh. This is hot. And it’s what has older women be so attractive to men, the self-confidence, the directness. They say the courage to be authentic. It takes less and less courage to be authentic. Why would I be anything but authentic? That’s a waste of time. For women who get older and think this means you’re less beautiful, less attractive, less desirable, the thinking of that will make that true. But it’s not inherently true.
[00:38:45.800] – Sandy
I love that. I agree with you. And that is a wonderful way to end our conversation today. We could have gone on for 10 more hours. I just love talking to you. I think you’re so full of wisdom. And I think it’s so important for women and men to pay attention to the work you do because we get it wrong so often and we can get it right. We can have more love, more connection, and more positive relationships if we just learn to get out of our own way and learn the skills that it takes, really, because so much as the mindset and what we are faulty thinking has gotten in the way of healthy relationships. So thank you for the work you do.
[00:39:34.950] – Alison
You’re welcome. And thank you for seeing me. It means a lot.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
When only one person does the work, can a relationship last? That’s the big question we answer on this episode of Last First Date Radio. — The age old question: when only one person does the work, can a relationship last? Dr. Lee Baucom has spent over three decades helping people shift from a disconnected […]
When only one person does the work, can a relationship last? That’s the big question we answer on this episode of Last First Date Radio.
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The age old question: when only one person does the work, can a relationship last? Dr. Lee Baucom has spent over three decades helping people shift from a disconnected marriage to a loving and connected relationship, even if only one is trying.
In this episode:
What is a Pause Button Marriage?
What are the three levels of connection?
What can only one partner do to save a relationship?
EP 704: Lee Baucom – Can a Relationship Survive When Only One Person Does the Work?
Highlights of this episode:
Signs of a one-sided relationship
If you’re dating and notice things are one-sided: carrying emotional weight is a yellow/red flag.
Notice patterns within yourself in a long-term relationship that feels one-sided: stepping in unasked, always planning, feeling resentful.
Hidden vs. stated contributions: partners often overestimate their input in a relationship.
Causes and dynamics of a one-sided relationship
Childhood imprints (imago) shape who carries emotional labor.
Mutual training: one partner may shut down the other’s attempts to help.
Chaser–spacer dynamic: pursuing closeness often causes the other to distance.
Pause-button effect: couples stop intentionally nurturing connection after commitment.
Ways to untangle and reconnect if you’re in a one-sided relationship
Reality-test your assessment: are you missing the other person’s contributions?
Reduce criticism; adjust expectations and make explicit agreements with each other.
Pace reconnection: use invitations and light, low-pressure activities to reconnect.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, has a hunch it might be something that surprises you… — What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, is a psychologist, author, and renowned speaker dedicated to empowering people through the science of mental health. She […]
What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, has a hunch it might be something that surprises you…
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What’s the real secret to lasting love? My podcast guest, Dr. Julia Garcia, is a psychologist, author, and renowned speaker dedicated to empowering people through the science of mental health. She weaves her real, lived experiences with behavioral science to create practical, transformative strategies for lasting change. Whether through her TEDx presentations, her interactive workshops, or her book The 5 Habits of Hope, Dr. Garcia’s mission remains the same: to prove that hope isn’t just something you feel—it’s something you practice, one habit at a time.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
The secret to lasting love
Why people struggle to hold onto hope in romantic relationships
The 5 Habits of Hope
Feeling Detours, and how they show up in our lives
How to train yourself to have more hope
EP 692: Dr. Julia Garcia – Why Hope Might Be the Real Secret to Lasting Love
What inspired you to write this book?
I was inspired by people I’ve met all over the world. I built a crisis hotline during the pandemic, and I’ve been inundated by how many people say they’re hopeless. There’s got to be a process back to hope. I’m honoring all the stories I’ve heard. Hope is the fuel to keep us motivated and keep going.
Why do you think so many people struggle to hold onto hope, especially when it comes to their romantic relationships?
When we feel hopeless, our brain shuts down. When we have tools to feel feelings we don’t like to feel, we can break the cycles that are not helping us. “Maybe” is a special word that can help create hope. It’s a moment of interruption. Maybe I am deserving of love. Hope is the greatest predictor of health.
You introduce The 5 Habits of Hope: Reflect, Risk, Release, Receive, and Repurpose. Can you walk us through how these habits work in practice?
Reflect: Pause long enough to feel what we feel in the present. What’s something I’ve struggled with?
Risk: Emotional risks can be difficult for some people. You might think you’re not worth the risk to open up. You’re not a burden. People care. Be more vulnerable.
Release: This is one of the hardest. We’re so hard on ourselves and don’t give us permission to breathe. Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s meditating.
Receive: If you don’t think you’re worthy, it will be hard to receive. You have the capacity to love and receive love. Receive love from friends.
Repurpose: See worth where you may have seen waste or felt discarded or disregarded. It’s what we do with the feelings that matter.
In your book, you talk about “feeling detours.” What are they, and how do they show up in our everyday lives?
Feeling detours are about dismissing, denying, being divisive about your feelings. If we don’t feel, we don’t deal, and we can’t heal. Practice the five habits. Identify why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
If someone listening feels hopeless right now, what’s the very first step they can take today to begin building hope again?
If you’re listening, it’s a powerful step. It took me many years to have words and language. Be passionate, not perfect, be present. And remind yourself…maybe. Maybe I can love again. Maybe I can enjoy this date no matter the outcome.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
These 7 habits, based on the work of Stephen Covey, will help you become a better dater and find your best match. — Something unexpected happened recently—my son-in-law and I found ourselves deep in conversation about… dating. Not because he’s dating (he’s happily married to my daughter, thank you very much), but because he’s been […]
These 7 habits, based on the work of Stephen Covey, will help you become a better dater and find your best match.
—
Something unexpected happened recently—my son-in-law and I found ourselves deep in conversation about… dating. Not because he’s dating (he’s happily married to my daughter, thank you very much), but because he’s been reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.
He’s seeing the world through new eyes, and watching someone get it for the first time is exhilarating. As we talked through Covey’s ideas, I realized something: every single one of these habits could be applied to dating.
So, with deep respect (and a little artistic license), here’s my take on what Stephen Covey might say—if he were a dating coach.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Daters
1. Be Proactive You can keep blaming your parents’ marriage, your city’s dating pool, or the apps. Or you can take full ownership of your love life. Proactive daters don’t wait for the stars to align—they make intentional choices that lead to real results. No matter your past, you can create the relationship you want. It starts with you.
2. Begin With the End in Mind Wishing for love is nice. But vision? Vision gets results. If you want a lasting partnership, what does that actually look like? Are you picturing companionship, shared values, someone to dance in the kitchen with you, a travel partner? Be specific. If you know where you’re going, it’s a lot easier to get there.
3. Put First Things First Let’s be honest—if love is a priority, your calendar should reflect it. Are you carving out time for dating? Signing up for social events? Updating your online dating profile with care? If you’re only checking your dating apps once a week, love is going to feel like an afterthought. Make space for it. Make it matter.
4. Think Win-Win Too often, dating feels like musical chairs. If she finds a good man, does that mean there’s one less for you? That’s a scarcity mindset, and it leads to jealousy, comparison, and fear. Have an abundance mindset. There are plenty of kind, available, emotionally intelligent people out there. When one person finds love, it’s proof that you can too.
5. Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood Listening is a superpower in dating. But not the kind where you’re simply waiting for your turn to talk. I’m talking about real listening—with curiosity, patience, empathy and reflection. Too often, we listen through the filter of our own past. But when you tune in with fresh ears, you get to know someone for who they are—not who you assume they might be.
6. Synergize Great relationships are not about sameness—they’re about complementing one another. When two people bring their full selves to the table, something magical happens. One plus one doesn’t equal two. It equals three. What does that mean? The synergy of what you each contribute can create something neither of you could have built alone. And yes, it can be as sexy as it is sacred.
7. Sharpen the Saw Dating isn’t just about finding the right person. It’s about being the right person. Keep growing—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially. Be curious. Be alive. The best relationships are between two people who are constantly evolving and supporting each other’s growth.
And… the Bonus Habit
8. From Effectiveness to Greatness Once you’ve found love—how do you nurture it? How do you keep the fire burning? This habit is about going beyond “it works” into “this is extraordinary.” Thriving together. Laughing together. Dreaming together. Don’t just maintain your relationship—elevate it.
Whether you’re new to dating or ready for your last first date, these habits are a powerful guide. I believe that when you date with intention, when you stay open and keep growing, you attract not just anyone, but the right one.
Let’s rewrite the story of dating—one aligned, empowered, highly effective habit at a time.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find your person, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
