How can you balance life and love? Dr. Margaret Cochran gives us actionable techniques to create more balance in your life. — How do you balance life and love? That’s what we’re discussing today on the podcast with Dr. Margaret Cochran. She is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, educator, author, and media personality […]
How can you balance life and love? Dr. Margaret Cochran gives us actionable techniques to create more balance in your life.
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How do you balance life and love? That’s what we’re discussing today on the podcast with Dr. Margaret Cochran. She is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, educator, author, and media personality with 25+ years of experience. She blends traditional, transpersonal, and energy psychology to help clients heal and thrive. Featured on BBC, CBS, NBC, and more, she’s known for her whole-person approach to wellness and hosting programs like Wisdom, Love and Magic.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
How to know when things are out of balance in a relationship
Is balance really possible?
How to balance life and love if you don’t have healthy examples in your life
How to talk to your partner about balance
Tips you can use to achieve balance between life and love
EP 679: Dr. Margaret Cochran – How to Balance Life and Love; Strategies for Success
How do you know when things are out of balance in a relationship?
We work too hard and we’re praised for it. We start to fall apart. If you’re well rested and satisfied, you’ll produce a much better product at work. And as an individual, we need to matter to ourselves first or we can’t be there for anyone else.
Stop, sit back, and take a second, and ask yourself, “What is it that I need?” It may take practice if you’re not used to it. Your needs are vital, not wrong or “needy” or self-centered.
Is balance really possible?
Balance is where there’s as much coming in as there is going out. As women we get pressured to put more out than in. Often women don’t know what they want. We lose ourselves, and then we can’t give or receive love.
How do you determine how to balance life and love if you don’t have healthy examples in your life?
Talk to a professional who can help you define your values and boundaries.
What are some actionable tips you can use to achieve balance between life and love?
Go back into your childhood when you were eight or nine years old. What was your favorite thing to do? Go do it and watch what happens. That touches the little person inside of you. It’s the part that gets ignored. That part of you that’s about being and not doing. It’s the most intuitive part of you. Fill a bowl with fun things to do.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Remember to date yourself first. Being in love with yourself will allow you to have a healthy relationship.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Conflict management is difficult for most of us. In this episode, discover your conflict management style and how to do conflict better. — What’s your conflict management personality? Dr. John Eliot, PhD, co-wrote a book on this topic. He mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches, and athletes on psychological principles for enhancing health, […]
Conflict management is difficult for most of us. In this episode, discover your conflict management style and how to do conflict better.
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What’s your conflict management personality? Dr. John Eliot, PhD, co-wrote a book on this topic. He mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches, and athletes on psychological principles for enhancing health, performance, and workplace culture. He has consulted for NASA, the US Olympic Committee, the Mayo Clinic, Sony, and Microsoft. Eliot has held professorial appointments at the University of Virginia, Stanford, Rice, SMU, and the Texas Medical Center, winning teaching awards at each.
In this episode:
Why John decided to focus his research on conflict personalities
How our conflict responses are rooted in predictable patterns
How we can predict behavior in high-pressure or emotionally charged situations
How someone’s ‘Conflict’ personality changes between home and work
Why it’s important to understand our triggers
EP 650: Dr. John Elliot – What’s Your Conflict Management Style?
Why did you decide to focus your research on conflict personality styles?
My co-author and I do a lot of organizational training, and we discovered that the tools that help us understand ourselves are fantastic for communication when things are going well. But when a speed bump comes along, something knocks you off kilter. We veer away from our normal communication style during those times.
What are the five conflict personalities?
Avoider
Competitor
Analyzer
Accommodator
Collaborator
How can someone’s ‘Conflict personality’ change between home and work?
At work it can be easier to be rational. Many people have a different go-to at home than at work. One of the reasons is the mission is different. We can compartmentalize better at work and keep our emotions from spiking. At home, the mission is the relationship, caring for your family and loved one. So the lines are blurred.
When it comes to conflict, why is it important to understand our own triggers?
Knowing your hot buttons is crucial so you can predict where you’re more likely to get away from being yourself. It will also help you know which of your conflict styles will be the habits you go to. Find one little thing you can do to get back to center. Do you need a breather? To be heard? To listen?
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
The fundamental needs we all share are a need to be heard, to be cared for, and to be of value. Understand that it’s about your helping them and them helping you meet each other’s needs. Try to understand the value of the other person. Be curious and interested. We are designed to be in pairs and groups. We can accomplish a lot together. We’re teammates.
How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home by John Eliot and Jim Gunn is available at the Conflict Docs website:https://www.theconflictdocs.com/Home
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Listen as I coach Heather live on the podcast. She wants to know how she can figure out early on when to stay and when to go. — Heather wrote in to the podcast: “I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on myself (listening to your […]
Listen as I coach Heather live on the podcast. She wants to know how she can figure out early on when to stay and when to go.
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Heather wrote in to the podcast: “I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on myself (listening to your podcasts and being a woman of value) but still spent the last two years in a relationship that was on and off again. How do you quickly find out if someone is a match? Instead of spending a few years trying to figure it out.”
Listen as I coach Heather live on air on how to know…should I stay or should I go (and so much more)!
When to Stay and When to Go?
Heather has been separated for three years and divorced three years after a 13-year marriage. She discusses what she learned from her marriage that she’s bringing to the next relationship.
She began by listing all of HER faults in the marriage; she felt she was harsh and controlling and had to always be right. I noticed that she put the blame on herself, but as we continued the coaching conversation, much more was revealed.
She knew on the day of her wedding that he was the wrong man for her. But, she married him anyway. She’s not alone. This is more common than you may think.
I ask Heather why she did not trust her intuition about her ex-husband. She felt he wasn’t the right man, and she felt trapped in the relationship. Life just happened to her instead of making conscious choices in her life. Can you relate?
She saw the red flags and ignored them. We compare her marriage red flags with the red flags in her more current relationship.
Red flags in the marriage included detachment and living parallel lives. Turns out he was gay, even though he had said he was bisexual when they got married. She was his first relationship with a woman.
Both were not true to themselves and were living a lie during the marriage.
I ask Heather, “Who does your ex-husband remind you of from your family of origin?”
She says it was not her dad. Or…was it? As Heather describes their relationship, she discovers some surprising truths about the connection between her father and why she chose her husband.
Our downloaded family blueprint directly influences our choices in romantic partners.
We often pick a partner who has similar qualities to our most difficult parent. We keep hoping we can somehow ‘fix’ the relationship with that parent by fixing it in a partner who has those traits. It doesn’t work. I share with Heather what DOES work.
I show her how she puts herself down and makes excuses for bad behavior in men. I point out the difference between having compassion for others and making excuses for bad behavior. This really resonates with her. She then draws the connection between her father and the last man she dated.
How can you tell if a man has the qualities you’re looking for, and whether you should stay or go?
Heather is fuzzy about this, and I clarify the difference between an annoying behavior and a character flaw.
I walk her through an exercise to find her must-haves.
As we conclude our session, I tell Heather how she needs to guard herself from giving away too much too soon. She needs to be careful not to choose partners who have the red flags she identified.
Heather’s Homework
Notice where she’s giving parts of herself away before someone shows her they deserve her stories and her love. Lean back and observe behaviors. See if a guy steps up. Tell men what she needs to be happy in the relationship, and see if a man can provide that for her.
Can you relate to Heather’s story? How did you feel about the coaching session? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
What are some of the top reasons why successful women tend to struggle in their love lives? Find out on the podcast with Emelia Nagy… — Why do successful women struggle in their romantic relationships? Emilia Nagy is a Sacred Union and relationship dynamics expert for spiritually awakened, high-achieving women ready to stop over-giving and […]
What are some of the top reasons why successful women tend to struggle in their love lives? Find out on the podcast with Emelia Nagy…
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Why do successful women struggle in their romantic relationships? Emilia Nagy is a Sacred Union and relationship dynamics expert for spiritually awakened, high-achieving women ready to stop over-giving and start being chosen. Drawing on a decade of coaching and 500+ dates worldwide, she blends spiritual depth with practical strategy to help women attract and sustain emotionally available, masculine partners.
In this episode:
Why Successful Women Struggle in Love
What is Masculine–Feminine Polarity
How Healing Might Be Keeping You Single
How to Date for Marriage & Not for Entertainment
EP 700: Emilia Nagy – Why Successful Women Struggle in Love
Why do successful women often struggle in love?
When women are successful and ambitious, we measure men by those standards. Men and women are not the same – our brains differ in over six hundred different ways. Success and value at work are not the same as in lasting love.
Women also often don’t ask for help due to cultural and social reasons. We’re taught that independence is key, and we’re not really vulnerable and interdependent.
How do you define masculine/feminine polarity, and why is it important in dating and relationships?
I call them spiritual energies, how we create in life and interact with the world. Masculine’s qualities are generative, focus, creative in a penetrative way.
Feminine energy is allowing, receiving, taking in. We have that form spiritually inside if we’re a feminine being. Everyone has both energies. We choose to come into a female or male body to come into one energy more often.
In dating and relationships, masculine and feminine show up in the energy flow that nourishes them both. If you’re a woman chasing men because no one is asking you out, you’ll have feminine energy men in your life. If you generate from a feminine energy place, you’ll attract more masculine energy men in your life.
If you focus only on healing and not dating and relationship skills, you’ll stay stuck. You don’t have to be good enough for love, just willing to learn some information and implement it. Don’t wait to be perfectly healed to date.
What are some keys for people who want to date for marriage or long-term relationships?
Limit to healthy masculine energy brains that want a partner.
Filter narrowly for a specific type of man.
Wait for them to generate three messages that are reciprocal.
Give out your phone number. If he doesn’t use it, it’s a next.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Please don’t think something is wrong with you. This is information we’re not taught. Learn which men want what you want. Learn to discern and select. That makes dating so much so much easier.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
What are some communication patterns that make or break a relationship? Tune in to this episode with Julie Nise to learn more. — Let’s talk about communication patterns that make or break a relationship. My podcast guest, Julie Nise, is a Relationship Trainer and Communication Strategist known for her direct, results-oriented approach. She has helped […]
What are some communication patterns that make or break a relationship? Tune in to this episode with Julie Nise to learn more.
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Let’s talk about communication patterns that make or break a relationship. My podcast guest, Julie Nise, is a Relationship Trainer and Communication Strategist known for her direct, results-oriented approach. She has helped over 8,000 individuals and couples through challenges in communication, trust, and leadership. She has appeared on the Dr. Phil Show multiple times, and she’s a regular commentator on NewsRadio KTRH in Houston.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
Common communication mistakes couples make
How to strengthen your relationships
How relationship coaching differs from therapy
EP 690: Julie Nise – Communication Patterns That Destroy or Create Connection
What are some of the most common communication mistakes you see couples make, and how can they fix them?
Women and men don’t understand each other. Expectations need to change with couples. We need to learn each other’s communication styles and develop an appreciation for each other’s way of communicating.
Men generally communicate around tasks (watching a game, bowling, doing an activity). Women tend to just talk in general. Men should not assume women want them to fix things. Women should not assume men want to hear long stories. State at the outset what you want from each other.
Sorting by distinction and sorting by agreement. Women tend to sort by disagreement first. Men tend to agree first. For women who do that, leave the “yeah buts” at the door. Start with agreement.
Also, there is a pattern of being internal vs external. Come outside your head and notice what’s going on in front of you. Our perceptions are usually widely off. Be lovingly curious.
How does your approach to relationship coaching differ from traditional therapy?
I am outcome oriented. I deal with the present and future to achieve outcomes. I do relationship training to train skills to improve relationships and communication.
What’s one thing people can do today to strengthen their most important relationships?
Be very curious about what your partner says without judgment. Be a good audience. People often miss the point. Be less concerned that your partner is going to leave and more concerned about hurting your partner. Do everything you can to heal your own traumas.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Strive for self-acceptance, calm, flexibility. There will be challenges in relationships. And the more you know yourself, the more you’ll have healthier relationships.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Why do high-performing men secretly struggle in love, and how can women spot the signs? Mike Elliot tells all in this episode. — Why do high-performing men struggle in their romantic relationships? My podcast guest, Mike Elliot, shares his wisdom in this episode of Last First Date Radio. Mike is a Relational Leadership Mentor and […]
Why do high-performing men secretly struggle in love, and how can women spot the signs? Mike Elliot tells all in this episode.
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Why do high-performing men struggle in their romantic relationships? My podcast guest, Mike Elliot, shares his wisdom in this episode of Last First Date Radio. Mike is a Relational Leadership Mentor and Men’s Initiation Guide. He guides men to lead with “Relational Authority”, anchored in initiation, integration, and inspiration. He’s the co-host of “The Sacred We”, where he helps men transform their relationships – starting with themselves – and create legacies of love, presence and purpose.
In this episode:
What led Mike to this work
The most common blocks for high achieving men in relationship
How to help men show up with more presence
How Mike’s clients relationships transform when they learn Relational Authority
The cost of not learning RA
EP 707: Mike Elliot – Why High-Performing Men Secretly Struggle in Love
Highlights of this Episode
Catalyst for Mike’s work
Mike Elliott’s personal catalyst for doing this work: adopted twice in his first year of life, marriage ended after 7 years; experienced a “dark night” that led to seeking mentorship and eventually began transformational coaching.
Shifted from intellectual self-help to embodied, relational work after mentorship and integration.
Core framework & concepts of Relational Authority
Three pillars: Initiation → Integration → Inspiration.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
She went from purity culture to polyamory, and her husband stayed monogamous. Find out more on this episode of Last First Date Radio! — What happens when you go from purity culture to polyamory? My guest, Courtney Boyer, became polyamorous while her husband stayed monogamous. She is a relationship coach, writer, and speaker focused on […]
She went from purity culture to polyamory, and her husband stayed monogamous. Find out more on this episode of Last First Date Radio!
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What happens when you go from purity culture to polyamory? My guest, Courtney Boyer, became polyamorous while her husband stayed monogamous. She is a relationship coach, writer, and speaker focused on love, desire, and authenticity. A former therapist, she blends mental health and sex-therapy expertise to help women release shame, reclaim their voices, and build honest, autonomous relationships. She lives in Germany with her husband and three children, endlessly learning and writing her next chapter.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
The beliefs from purity culture that shape our understanding of relationships and sexuality
How Courtney realized polyamory felt aligned with who she now was
The impact of polyamory on motherhood
How to better understand mixed-orientation relationship structures
EP 693: Courtney Boyer – From Purity Culture to Polyamory (While Her Husband Stayed Monogamous)
What were the beliefs and expectations from purity culture that most shaped your early understanding of relationships and sexuality, and how did you start to recognize they didn’t fit you anymore?
Purity culture is a subset of the Evangelical church. Dating is to find a mate. Save yourself for marriage. There are a lot of teachings around modesty and no sex before marriage or you’ll go to hell. We’re taught that men are walking sex sticks. I remember hating my body because it was always causing problems. I needed to cover up my big breasts.
The wakeup call was when I was researching for my first book, “Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don’t want sex and what we can do about it”, I was studying sexuality and why women feel so disconnected from their bodies. As I did more research, I became enraged at the patriarchy. My marriage was falling apart. My husband had PTSD and resisted change.
What was the turning point when you realized non-monogamy, or specifically polyamory, felt aligned with who you are?
On our 17th wedding anniversary, our marriage was suffering, so I asked my husband if he wanted a threesome, and he said “what’s wrong with you, why would you ask that?”. So I then suggested non-monogamy, not polyamory. He said no. But after 6 months, he agreed, and I became non-monogamous and eventually polyamorous.
How did you and your husband navigate the emotional, practical, and ethical conversations around you becoming polyamorous while he chose to remain monogamous?
He was more liberal growing up than I was. It was an identity crisis for me, and I got help for myself and my marriage. It was a huge shift. My coach helped me come home to my body, because purity culture screwed me up. We then got a wonderful therapist who helped us communicate and understand our triggers.
How has this journey impacted your motherhood?
The first year, we kept it from them. I was still ashamed of who I was. I wanted to be “normal” and was afraid of what others would think. My oldest daughter thought I was having an affair and confronted me. I came out to her and the others, and they were so supportive. That’s been so healing for me. I’m more intentional as a mom.
How has this journey transformed the way you think about love, commitment, autonomy, and partnership, and what do you wish people understood about mixed-orientation relationship structures like yours?
I learned that you can create a beautiful life on your terms. I think of it like every person is a quartz crystal. When the light hits a quartz crystal, each facet is a different way of living and loving, which opens you up so much. It requires a lot of intention to live a lifestyle like this.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Believe that you are deserving of your last first date if that’s your heart’s desire.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Learn how to manage perimenopause and menopause with my podcast guest, Lauren A Tetenbaum. Tune in to discover valuable tips. — How do you understand and gain control of your body and mental health during perimenopause and menopause? My podcast guest, Lauren A. Tetenbaum (AKA “The CounseLaur”) wrote the book on this topic. She is […]
Learn how to manage perimenopause and menopause with my podcast guest, Lauren A Tetenbaum. Tune in to discover valuable tips.
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How do you understand and gain control of your body and mental health during perimenopause and menopause? My podcast guest, Lauren A. Tetenbaum (AKA “The CounseLaur”) wrote the book on this topic. She is a millennial mother of two, a writer, a social worker specializing in supporting women through life transitions, and a former lawyer passionate about advocating for women. Through her counseling practice, Lauren helps empower postpartum and other women in corporate settings, provides clinical therapy to individuals and couples in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Florida, and frequently speaks on podcasts and at events about topics like maternal mental health, gender equity, working parenthood, and women’s reproductive health. Millennial Menopause is her first book.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
How menopause impacts women’s mental health
How women can reclaim sexual connection after menopause
What men should know about menopause
What women can do to advocate for themselves when it comes to menopause
EP 688: Lauren A. Tetenbaum – An Empowering Guide to Perimenopause and Menopause
What inspired your interest in the field of women’s health?
I’ve always been passionate about supporting women, from the time I was a kid. I graduated college thinking I’d be a lawyer to advocate for women’s rights. I graduated as a JD and social worker. I became a mom, COVID happened, and we were struggling.
How does menopause impact women’s mental health?
There can be mood swings, depression, not feeling like yourself. The health care system doesn’t always realize it’s because the hormones are fluctuating. It’s a different flavor of anxiety. If women have had a previous episode of hormone related depression before, they’re more likely to suffer depression during perimenopause and menopause. It takes a big toll.
What should men know about perimenopause and menopause?
They should know the basics about menopause and perimenopause. Men are impacted by menopause. The most important thing is to be compassionate and curious. How are you, and how can I help you?
What can women do to advocate for themselves when it comes to menopause?
Millennials are aging and entering perimenopause. I realized I knew nothing about menopause, and I started researching and learned that very few people know early on how to prepare for menopause. I learned more about osteoporosis, mental health, how men are impacted and more. I want to normalize this issue.
Women have many options when perimenopause begins, including mood changes. Hormone therapy is a safer option and so are lifestyle changes. Know yourself. Write down patterns of symptoms. Reach out to a health care provider that you trust. Explain the changes and how they impact you. Ask what their experience is with menopause care, including perimenopause. Ask what your options are. If they can’t help you, find someone else.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
If you’re embarking on a new relationship, menopause can be a new chapter. It can come with challenges. You don’t need to suffer or be alone. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life. Get support and learn how to advocate for your needs.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Ladies, if you think you understand men, think again. My podcast guest, Alison Armstrong shares what brings out the best and worst in men! — Alison Armstrong’s exploration of human behavior began in 1991 with a decision to find out what brings out the best and worst in men. This naturally led to studying women’s […]
Ladies, if you think you understand men, think again. My podcast guest, Alison Armstrong shares what brings out the best and worst in men!
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Alison Armstrong’s exploration of human behavior began in 1991 with a decision to find out what brings out the best and worst in men. This naturally led to studying women’s behavior and making vital connections between the two. Alison offers practical, partnership-based alternatives to what we’re instinctively compelled to do. She continues to give millions of people access to more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families and productive organizations.
Communication tools that help men and women connect more deeply
EP 637: Alison Armstrong – What Brings Out the Best and Worst in Men
This conversation was so good, I’m sharing the entire transcript instead of the highlights.
[00:03:19.620] – Sandy
We can talk about a lot of things, but I think that the work that you do, helping women and men understand each other is so crucial. It’s been crucial built in my own life, and it’s been really important to the people that I serve. So first, I want to just get the backstory about what motivated you to study this work and find out what brings out the best and worst in men in particular, which is where you started, right?
[00:03:49.070] – Alison
I have to ask, have you read or listened to the Queens Code?
[00:03:53.450] – Sandy
Yes. That was the first exposure I had to you.
[00:03:57.100] – Alison
That was the first exposure. Okay. So Just because it makes it easier, but for your audience, what happens to Kimberly in that first chapter happened to me. It was my colleague in a seminar, and the leader was talking about relationships, and she raised her hand and launched an attack on men. Why are they wonderful in the beginning? Then turn into these terrible people in the ways that she expressed it. His response to her was to say, Oh, I see. You’re a frog farmer. She tapped her foot and finally said, So what do you mean by that? He said, Some women turn frogs into princes. You, my dear, turn princes into frogs. My life flashed before me. It was February of 1991. I was 30 years old. I was divorced, almost. We were getting divorced. Had a one-and-a-half-year-old son. I thought men were horrible. I thought they didn’t care about what I needed or were actively withholding it, that they couldn’t be trusted, especially a romantic relationship. But the way that I saw my father at the time was very similar. When he said that to her. I was glad. I was glad to find out.
It rang as truth. I was glad to find out that there was something I was doing that was bringing out that worst in men because the alternative was that men were who I thought they were. I so needed them to not be who I thought they were. I wanted to be really married, like a union part got each other’s back, same team, married, not the funny situation I was in. We were barely roommates. I wanted I have a bigger family. That can easily set us on looking for the wonderful man, the exception to the rule, and to find out that maybe it wasn’t the way I thought it was at all. I was ecstatic. I’d been involved in transformation since I was 19 years old, and I knew I could transform myself. I’d been trying to change men, probably since I was 10 years old. With very little success. But I didn’t know where to go because I knew everybody I knew. I was just like my mom. I was just like my friends. I was just like my colleagues. I was just like all the women on television. Then this question popped into my head.
It’s so funny how they pop right here. It might as well be a bubble in a cartoon. The question was, what if men are responding to women? That was the beginning of me finding out if men are responding to women, what are they responding to? And making the correlation between our ways of being and their reaction and our specific behaviors, and their responses. And in the process, also seeing, and this was by observation and then verifying with men, did you do that because of this? Then in the process, also finding out ways that men are not responding to men at all. That it doesn’t matter how much they like you, love you, respect you, admire you, think they need you, want you, crazy about you. They have a saying, A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. They consider to do other than the right thing because of how they feel is dishonorable. No matter that they love you, they got to do the right thing, which one of the beautiful things about them is if they think they can’t give you what you need, it would be dishonorable to stay with you, be dishonorable to pursue you.
It’d be dishonorable to marry you, even though you’re begging or screaming at them to marry you. It would be dishonorable. No, I can’t give you what you need. That was the beginning. That was the beginning of 1991. I honestly, Sandy, thought it would take 2-3 months to learn everything worth knowing about men because I was sure I would have bet my life on that they were shallow, they had no feelings, so it didn’t matter what I did. I couldn’t hurt their feelings. I questioned whether they had souls. I knew absolutely that they were lesser human beings than women. Absolutely, the world would be a better place if people just did what women said.
[00:09:20.050] – Sandy
So that we’d all live on the planet where Wonder Woman comes from?
[00:09:24.630] – Alison
Well, and depending on which Wonder Woman movie you’re watching, that’s a scary planet, too. Yeah, we’re all blessed and cursed with being human because I just keep digging down and digging down. Now I’m at planetary instincts, male and female, to focused and open, to pack and herd, to wait. These behaviors, you find in the pine tree outside my window and to the bacteria that probably made me sick. All the way, Oh, yeah. This is not higher consciousness. This is survival at its most persistent and ugly. Without awareness of that, we’ll keep doing what we’re compelled to do instead of going, Wait, if I’m compelled to do this, it’s probably going to make it worse.
[00:10:34.680] – Sandy
Yeah. And then so many people are struggling, and they’re lonely, and they’re bitter. I grew up in a home where my father was bipolar. So he had a lot of mental health issues, and it made it very difficult to live with him. So I understand my mother’s frustration, but there was so much emasculation going on. And I didn’t realize the messages I had until much, much later, probably when I read the Queen’s Code. But I married a man who turned out to be very similar to my father, and the frustration, but then staying and staying and staying in a relationship that wasn’t working and thinking, Well, that’s all he’s capable of. There is no better match for me. I had a very narrow view view of what love was, what relationships could be, who men were. So I totally get it. I think that so many people see men, so many women see men as harmful as just so many things that they’re not, but they don’t realize their part in it. And I’m giving a workshop tonight on rejection. So one of the women in the group, I gave them an assignment to look at some past rejections and reflect on them.
She was saying what she learned from her last relationship was become friends with a man first, don’t jump into sex, and basically, protect your heart, so just do all these things, and then you won’t get hurt again. And so what would you say to somebody who learned learn lessons like that from a past relationship where they got involved with somebody and they got rejected?
[00:12:36.140] – Alison
I have so many thoughts. First of all, I’m not sure if technically we can be rejected unless someone says, I reject you. A man may have sorted himself out, which I think is why due diligence is so important. My process of due diligence is Listen very closely. Watch for flags. Watch for heebie-jeebies. Watch for niggling haunt. Then even if you love all the words, Now, watch the action because what’s real is going to show up an action that can’t be manufactured. Is it congruent? Are the words and the actions congruent? When they’re incongruent, get out the microscope. What? Wait a second. But allow for maybe, Maybe I didn’t hear you the way that you meant. How I interpreted when you said this was that you said that you would call me Saturday night, I interpreted it as you would call me Saturday night. So sometime in what qualifies as night, I would receive a call from you, and I didn’t. I need you to call me when you say you’re going to call me, or if you can’t call me when you say you’re going to call me, then at least you send a message saying, I’m sorry, I know I said I would call you, and I can’t.
Acknowledge you didn’t do what you said you were going to do. Can you give me that? But so often we just step over. Or we’re just off with the head. I practice three chances. The first is when I ask for what I need. The second was when I follow up and say, I really meant it. The third is, do you want one more chance? Because this is a deal breaker. The fourth is, you didn’t. We’re not going to try to do this. First, the clarity about your boundaries, what you will live with and not live with, what you won’t live without, however you want to say, deal breakers, boundaries, ultimatums, the clarity about that. Then the muscle, practicing, treat every interaction like a workout, no matter how cute he is. Do you speak your truth? No matter how rich he is, do you speak your truth? I call it early and often. Tell someone the truth before you care too much about what they think of it, whatever it is. If they go, Oh, I’m not your person, then say, Thank you. Thanks for telling the truth about that. Because if you’re not my person, then I’m not your person.
That’s the thing I think people miss. They think the one got away. Well, if there was such a thing as the one, how could they have gotten away? How could you… I blew it with the one. Well, if they were the one, how could you blow it? You might have done something and how you behaved, but then how they interact with you about it worked and you were better off for it. I Yeah. I was called terminally honest, and I know I’m annoyingly logical. The reason why I’m saying it, because I really am responding to what you asked, is guard your heart. Guard your heart as a strategy that you might as well have something on your chest. You might as well walk around with a deflector on your chest because everybody can tell, because there’s no love emanating, there’s no receptivity available, which is the fourth most attractive quality in a woman and when men cannot live without. And so what I found, and I had to rediscover this after my husband died five and a half years ago, was what if If A, my heart can’t be broken. What if it can be bruised, battered, squished?
But what if… I won’t say I’m heartbroken. I won’t. I’ll say I’m heart sick, maybe. But what if it can’t be broken? Then what if we know what our boundaries are and we’re loyal to what we need, and we know the moment the boundary needs to come up, and I just discovered this since I was made single, that the more I’ve demonstrated to myself that I’m loyal to my boundaries and that I can instantaneously set and defend them if necessary, now I’m truly receptive. I am not on guard. I’m not on guard because I know if necessary, there are spikes that will come out of the floor instantaneously. I must that. I developed that strength through natural horsemanship, and then singlehood after Greg died. It took a while to build the muscle. We squint. No, this is fine. This is fine. But the more we, eyes wide open, and what I was sharing with you earlier, seeing, Oh, I was squinting. Oh, I so wanted that to be what I wanted it to be, and I was squinting and overlooking and thinking, I’ll deal with that later. All right, that’s on me. Walking around the world open-hearted to every human being, that’s policy.
But it’s not idealistic. It’s trusting myself. I don’t have to trust in the goodness of everybody else. I trust myself. Even when I’m slow in the uptake sometimes because it’s quinting, I return to the trust in myself. There was something, so you said, Guard your heart. Oh, sex is not the problem. And how soon you have sex is not the problem. Number one question on our understanding sex and intimacy panel, the women would ask is when is too soon to have sex for the first time still end up with a commitment, which we think that they’re locked together, right? Yeah. And that is ancient. That is the virgin bride. Protect the virginity of your daughters or no one will marry them. And then you won’t get the dowry or whatever. This won’t work out. They’re going to save the whole family. So protect the virginity. It’s instinctual to withhold sex and be strategic about it. But it’s actually before and after that has us have sex at what could be too soon. One is the effects of sexual chemistry, what I would call too much chemistry, which makes both men and women stupid and reckless.
Procreate is the number one instinct. It trumps protect. We all risk our lives to have sex. We risk our lives, our lifestyles, our Our health, our emotions. It’s what’s driving the sex. My husband was not my type, and I didn’t actually become physically attracted to him until a few months into dating. But we’d had sex, and they’re like, How could you have sex? I’m like, It’s called affection? It’s called a great affection for him. It wasn’t driven by, I got to have you. People think I’m against chemistry. No, chemistry is wonderful. Just last year, I did looking for chemistry and connection because we can cause both. We can choose to have extraordinary chemistry. We can choose to have extraordinary connection. They’re not out of our power. It’s what got you in debate that usually is what causes the trouble. If it’s crazy chemistry that gets you in debate, you’re already cuckoo. You’re already not doing due diligence. You’re already not looking for the long term compatibility that you say you want. Then the effects, depending on how old we are, how much estrogen we have, affects how much oxytocin, any… Let’s see. The written word will cause a release of oxytocin in a woman’s phone.
This is why I tell them to get out of the messaging zone, A-S-A-P. You want to get on the phone, besides which a woman’s voice has the biggest impact on a man. So get on the phone. Then the second thing is it’s the bonding hormone. So especially if we’re still fertile, instinct will tell us to follow that man around until we find out for sure we’re not pregnant. Okay. And then our period starts and we’re like, Like, Eew, I don’t even like that guy. What happened to me? I’ve been in a fog. Yeah, an oxytocin, bonding fog, instinctual. Got together, two different tribes in the full moon, followed him home She was pregnant, got to their house and went, Oh, this is gross. So sex is not the bad guy, and how soon we have sex is not the bad guy. I do, however, think if you can’t talk about sex before you have it, don’t have it. You don’t trust them enough to talk about it. You don’t have enough of your senses and your clarity and understand what you need to talk about it. Talk about it. Frankly, with my sweetheart, love, supporter, now housemate, after three years of living in his backyard, I moved into his house.
We had sex within hours of meeting each other in person for the first time as we planned. It was not accidental. It was planned. But we’d had hours of getting to know each other and even resolving conflicts and doing the erotic blueprints and sharing the results and even questioning, wait, for you to get that result, you would have had to say yes to this category And there’s some things in that category I don’t do. So which ones are you looking for?
[00:24:04.210] – Sandy
I love that. Yes.
[00:24:07.920] – Alison
If you… Yeah, talk about it.
[00:24:11.190] – Sandy
Talk about it. Everything.
[00:24:13.650] – Alison
Well, especially if you know I knew so many men in my age group, right? So I was 58 when I was widowed, and they’re already men in my age group and older. My husband was 11 years older, so I was open to that age group. But so many of them have had an incident of ED, of erectile dysfunction. So many women don’t understand how that old business works as we get older and that they’re not going to be a teenage pop-up. Anything happens, boing, boing, boing. No, there’s no volunteer. I call it the Erection Partnership. I swore it for sex in the first conversation because too many men in my age group had signed off sex because they’d had an incident where they couldn’t perform and they were humiliated. They lost so badly. They were, I’m looking for affection. I’m looking for companionship. I’m looking for enjoyment. We’ll hold each other, but no. They don’t often reveal that before three months into it, and you wonder, why do we still have our clothes on all the time? Or why do we only do these certain things, but nothing else? They don’t reveal it. I pursued that conversation in a way that I was practicing just being safe.
I could be safe because I hadn’t hitched my wagon to this person yet. I hadn’t decided they were the one. I wasn’t protecting anything. If they couldn’t accept things like, My dead husband is still very much part of my life, and he probably picked you. I told Dan that in the first five minutes of our conversation and waited to see and thought in my head, if you’re going to run, run now. And there’s about a half hour, he didn’t run. He was quiet, and I thought he was going to run. And then he said, I can feel him. Nice. Yes, that’s what I thought. Oh, wow. He did still work because my husband is still providing for my family and my friends. He’s a very busy, disincorporated person. But if someone can’t be with that, it wasn’t going to go away. It wasn’t going to change me or change him. What’s unchangeable about you? Or what do you think someone’s going to break up with you over? What have People have broken up with you over? And you know you’re still that person. How about bring it up? And if they’re going to run, run now instead of after you’re in love and bought a house together and have three children, and now they break up with you for the reason that you’re afraid of in the first place that you’d concealed all those years.
So it was within a half an hour, we were talking about sex. Okay, so sex is something you’re looking for? Yeah. Nice.
[00:27:30.560] – Sandy
Nice.
[00:27:31.510] – Alison
Good. Great. We didn’t go more into that one at the time. It’s confirming we’re monogamous people. We have a monogamous lean. We’re committed to the monogamy thing. Okay, good. All right. But it’s just… Yeah, so that thing, the strategy, so much of our… I mean, we have to make conclusions so that we can make strategies, and then our minds search for what validates the strategy, and We can miss the truth. We can miss the truth of the person in front of us.
[00:28:05.090] – Sandy
Yes, for sure. That was a great answer too. I mean, people have faulty thinking, and they take their experiences and they interpret them in a way that keeps them safe, but it doesn’t bring them connection and love. And the funny thing is that when I started my career- I just fell in love with you all over again. Oh, Allison.
[00:28:32.100] – Alison
Yes. They interpret things in a way that makes them feel safe or that they can make themselves safe. But it doesn’t produce the result.
[00:28:42.260] – Sandy
No, it just puts a wall around you. And I got it.
[00:28:45.750] – Alison
Bravo, Sandy.
[00:28:48.000] – Sandy
Before I even understood all of this, I came up with an analogy that I used in my TEDx Talk, which was in 2013. I had just started my career, And this came to me that I had dated a guy who told me that he was like a Tootsie pop, that he was hard on the outside and soft and bushy on the inside. And I had this epiphany that I was that Tootsie Pup. And so it’s like the frog farmer. I was that really tough exterior person because I didn’t really know myself. I didn’t have the boundaries. I didn’t have communication skills. I didn’t have my core values I didn’t know any of that. And so the conclusion I had after every heartbreak was, get tougher. Be that Teflon shield that will make sure that I won’t get hurt. And that’s how I chose my husband. I chose a man who chose me, who loved me, who said he was going to keep me safe, and who was obsessed with me. I was not obsessed with him. I had a lot of questions, but I truly thought he would keep me safe, and that is not what happened.
So the whole analogy of the Tootsie pop was like, Oh, I need to be a different candy bar. So I came up with the heat bar, which is tough on the inside and soft and yielding on the outside.
[00:30:21.440] – Alison
That’s true. Sweet chocolate covering. Yeah. And then the carmely sweetness and then Yeah.
[00:30:35.830] – Sandy
Right. And so when I realized that I had to get really clear, like you said, then you can guard what’s important to you by speaking up early and not letting yourself have that squinty eye look at the person in front of you just because they’re really good-looking and hot and they chose you and maybe they’re younger. And for whatever reason, we end up in bed with these people who then are completely incompatible with us, not having these discussions, not calling people out on their behavior and saying, When you said you were going to call me. I mean, I see this. This is like what’s killing so many people’s lives is accepting crappy behavior, not speaking up, saying they’re confused by the behavior of this person, but never saying it’s not okay This is not working for me. Let’s talk about aging. We just have a few minutes left, but most of my audience is older. You talked about ED before. Are there any other changes that happen as people age that changes how men and women relate to each other?
[00:31:51.630] – Alison
Oh, my gosh. Just a small question.
[00:31:54.780] – Sandy
Just a small question.
[00:31:56.860] – Alison
Okay. Here’s a small answer. The way that estrogen and testosterone configures the brain. Testosterone creates compartmentalization, single focus, and limited number of connections between their verbal centers and everything else. Estrogen creates no compartments, creates diffused awareness, right? Pores in every direction. Perfect, perfect perception for a gatherer who has to wander out in a meadow and simultaneously be scanning for danger while finding anything useful, medicinal, edible, or that will be edible in the future, and how soon do I need to come back and get it before the bears? And and that basically every part of the brain is connected to the verbal centers of the brain. Imagine if we’re like that from day 21 of gestation, when the hormones kick in until we get into our… It’s going to vary, right? But into our 50s, It’s happening in the ’50s, definitely has happened in the ’60s, where the testosterone in men, it has naturally fallen off unless they’re doing bioidenticals, which is a whole other story. The verbal centers are getting set up. The compartmentalization, the walls are coming down. The verbal centers are getting connected to other parts. They can talk about their feelings, their emotions.
Their knowledge pours out of them, sometimes in a really annoying in a way in unsolicited advice that they seem to not be able to not give. Yes, and they start paying attention to connection, and they don’t want to have sex if we’re not in love, if their heart’s not in dear. This is not a performance. Then women, our estrogen has disappeared with the ovum as they dissolved and we have none left. The half of our testosterone that we depended upon from the ovum, that’s gone, too. Now we only have the testosterone from our adrenal glands and the estrogen, little bits of estrogen that our bodies can make or that we might ingest things that support it. I’m I’m not knowledgeable in that, but I know people are. The estrogen is stored in the fat deposits of our body, but in cultures where the idea is to be as skinny as you possibly can, you’re not going to be able to hang on to your estrogen, so your skin is going to get papery and fluids are going to dry up and you’ll be a skinny raisin. Eat fat, lots of good healthy fat, have some cheeks on you.
If someone doesn’t love your curves, that’s their problem because they’re your curves. If you want to know if your body type appeals to somebody, honestly, just take your body type and add the word porn on it and search on Google, and you will find out people pay to look at body curves. Every type of body. Every type of… Men cannot decide what their body type is. They don’t get to choose. It just is what it is. And if they’re made fun of it, they’re made fun of it. But somebody loves you just the way you are. I have a friend who, as her brand new husband, left for deployment, put his arms around her, grabbed a hold of her rear end and said, This could be bigger when I get back. Yeah,. Oh, yeah. So these things are swapping. So as we get older, now the brain configurations We’re swapping and we become more focused. Our children may think we’re ignoring them like my youngest did. I was 36 when she was born and she thought I was ignoring her. No, baby. It’s single focus. I have become I was just making dinner. We have to watch.
We have to watch because even when you get it wired, then we change. I guess just to keep us on our toes, Sandy, nobody gets to see it late. Sexuality changes. Often, I couldn’t wait to be 60 years old because I had so many students in their 60s, and my observation was, Oh, my gosh, they’re unstoppable. I want to be that. I so wanted to be that. I can’t wait to be that. It’s true. I got into a big kerfuffle with Dan about one of my deal breakers. As we got it sorted out, what’s the plan and what’s going to happen, and what’s he going to be accountable for, I said, I love you. He I said, I love you, too. I looked at him and I said, But you don’t like me right now. He wanted to say something different, but he goes, Truth is my second-highest value. So he said, No, I don’t. I checked. I scanned all the way down, all the way up. I was totally fine with that. As a younger woman with a lot of estrogen, that would cause a panic attack. He doesn’t like me. I’m going to die.
If the bear shows up and we have bears, he’s not going to protect me. I’m all right with that. Oh, my gosh. This is hot. And it’s what has older women be so attractive to men, the self-confidence, the directness. They say the courage to be authentic. It takes less and less courage to be authentic. Why would I be anything but authentic? That’s a waste of time. For women who get older and think this means you’re less beautiful, less attractive, less desirable, the thinking of that will make that true. But it’s not inherently true.
[00:38:45.800] – Sandy
I love that. I agree with you. And that is a wonderful way to end our conversation today. We could have gone on for 10 more hours. I just love talking to you. I think you’re so full of wisdom. And I think it’s so important for women and men to pay attention to the work you do because we get it wrong so often and we can get it right. We can have more love, more connection, and more positive relationships if we just learn to get out of our own way and learn the skills that it takes, really, because so much as the mindset and what we are faulty thinking has gotten in the way of healthy relationships. So thank you for the work you do.
[00:39:34.950] – Alison
You’re welcome. And thank you for seeing me. It means a lot.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
How can we deepen our emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Laura Berman shares important tips to achieve ‘sex magic’! — What are the secrets to emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Berman has the answers in her newest book, Sex Magic. She’s a columnist for USA Today and a New York Times bestselling author who has […]
How can we deepen our emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Laura Berman shares important tips to achieve ‘sex magic’!
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What are the secrets to emotional and physical intimacy? Dr. Berman has the answers in her newest book, Sex Magic. She’s a columnist for USA Today and a New York Times bestselling author who has written ten books. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast, The Language of Love. In addition to her regular appearances in daytime and news media, Dr. Berman was also the sex, love, and relationship expert on The Oprah Winfrey Show and has starred in four television series, including two on the OWN Network and one on Showtime.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
How to connect to your energetic body to master the pleasure available to you
How to confidently create deeper arousal and pleasure in yourself and your partner
How to build more sexual energy and desire within and between you and another
How to apply strategies for improving emotional and physical intimacy
How to remove the blocks of trauma and inhibition standing in the way of maximum pleasure
How to move pleasurable sensations throughout your body to achieve mind-blowing orgasms
How to use ancient techniques for sexual healing and manifesting your dreams
EP 664: Dr. Laura Berman – Deepen Your Connection: Secrets to Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Why did you write Sex Magic?
I found wherever I went, people were asking me how do I spice things up and take things to the next level. Since the pandemic, all the stuff between couples came out and they were having an emotional reckoning. Plus, porn hub became free, which changed how people showed up in their sex life. People were looking for dopamine. When the spice starts to fade in a relationship, people look for more. Everything comes back to how you want to feel. People wanted intense excitement, so I too a deeper dive into that.
In your book, you ask people to invite their physical self to their day. What do you mean by that, and how can people connect more deeply to their body’s energy?
Most of us are walking through the world disembodied. We’re always on our phones, and our minds are always busy. We are not aware of our bodies. An important part of sexuality is being attuned to your body. With arousal and orgasm, we have an awareness of our genitals. In sex magic, it’s our entire body. To connect to your body, ground with a quick meditation. Take a moment several times a day to tune into your senses. Put down your phone and employ all of your senses when you’re eating.
How can couples build their erotic energy?
In the book, there are many exercises for singles and couples to build their erotic energy. As you start to date, you can teach your partner what you learned about building arousal and energy. Practice moving the sexual energy up through your body with your breath and kegel muscles. Using visualization helps, too. Pull up to each section of your body, and then drop it down.
How can people use sex as a powerful tool to manifest their dreams?
In the 1800s, people began to write about how to use sex to manifest. There’s science underneath this concept. Our bodies are pure vibrating energy. We hold an energetic frequency that is influenced by our relationship with ourselves and with others. Manifesting is moving your body’s energy into the one who has that energy already. You feel as if you already have that state of being. That supercharges your intention. All potentials exist. The highest energetic state is bliss and orgasm. If you want to create or manifest something, if you hold that during orgasm, you will be more likely to manifest that.
How can people remove the blocks of trauma and inhibition standing in the way of maximum pleasure?
It depends on the degree of trauma. Most of us need support to work through trauma. As a therapist, I do less talking with patients and more somatic/body work. It’s about how trauma is held in the body. If you disassociate during sex, somatic work is crucial. If you had to take care of your parents’ emotions, sexually you might be focused more on your partner’s needs than your own. That gets in the way of fully feeling pleasure.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Get super clear of the qualities you want and narrow it down to five. Get clear on the top three ways you want to feel when you wake up with that person you’re calling in, and live from that place. You’ll see a huge difference in how you manifest a partner.
Free gift: Those who buy Sex Magic get to go to a live virtual sex magic initiation event on July 8th with Dr. Berman, a free 8-part quantum sex course, a sex magic journal, and you’ll be entered into a raffle for a free 1:1 session with her. Preorder the book here https://drlauraberman.com/sexmagic/
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If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
